I created this blog to express the thoughts and feelings running through me at a time that was very sad and scary. Originally it had been story form in the third person, which was a good creative outlet for me. I still have things to say from time to time, but will now do so in first person and in more plain language.
That being said, you may have noticed my absence on this blog over the past year. This was primarily due to lack of drama. There are not many ways that you can say, "I had my blood drawn, and it was negative." or "Yep. Still waiting." Secondly, I had been putting in many extra hours at work and lacked energy or brain power to do much else after coming home. Thirdly, I needed time to move on, and writing on this blog proved to be more of a reminder than a relief after awhile.
As of December 16, 2011 it has been a year since my last chemo, which means I'm officially cleared to start trying to conceive again. I actually got the okay in November, but they told me they wouldn't care if I ended up getting pregnant between then and my December draw. Apparently they really didn't care because I never went back in December since they never scheduled anything.
We have begun trying again, unsuccessfully thus far. At times, waiting 2-3 weeks to know if I'm pregnant seems to be more mentally trying than actually waiting a year to start trying! The first month TTC I was consumed with worry (What if this molar thing happens again?) and constant self analyzing (I'm feeling ___. I wonder if I'm pregnant?). It didn't help that I had not been tracking my periods prior to that and so I had no idea if I had actually missed my period or if it just wasn't here yet. I decided after that experience of mental anguish that I should do my brain a favor and start marking the calendar.
The second month TTC wasn't too bad, though nothing came of it. The week I was supposed to be ovulating was also the week that my sister
had her baby. Considering I was going up to help her for a few days and
would be away from my husband, I think I weakened my odds a little bit. I was a lot better mentally, though. I have been practicing a lot more self control when it comes to reading baby articles online and wondering what is going on inside my body. I think when you want something so bad, there's temptation to have it consume so much of your time, energy, and thought life. I know I can get carried away.
Getting my period is good, in a way, because I have my answer, but it's also disappointing and I think I've cried each time I've realized it has come so far. I just want to start a family. I try not to get too discouraged that I'm not pregnant yet. I know that it takes time. However, the women in my family are very fertile and so at times I have to fight comparing myself to them or falling short of my personal expectations. Both of my sisters have expressed how they have their period once and then get pregnant. I'm one of seven kids, so I'd have to think that my mother is also quite fertile (she gave birth from age 23 through 43).
Something that I think has gotten more disheartening over time is seeing women I know get pregnant and give birth during my "waiting" period. I wonder why it was so easy for them to conceive (or so it seems; I don't know everyone's pregnancy story) and why they can enjoy the naive experience of pregnancy/childbirth vs the having to combat the "gloom-and-doom-knowing-what-can-go-wrong" experience. I do have to be careful on facebook because the pictures and announcements are painful to see at times. Another interesting tidbit of my whole experience is that my younger sister gave birth three months prior to my husband and I TTC the first time. Then when I got pregnant, I found out that my older sister was also pregnant. I had the molar, but she had a healthy pregnancy. Then, after my older sister had her baby, my younger sister got pregnant again and had another one. A lot can happen in a year and a half.
Sometimes I find this whole situation ironic. I am a person who plans and controls things very well. I am also not always the most patient. So, I am experiencing something that really is out of my control no matter how much I try to plan. I also have to wait a lot. When I'm finally in my right mind, I go back to the fact that God is in control. He's brought me through lots of things in my life and He will bring me through this. I don't always give my feelings/fears to God, and that results in a lot of heartache. What I've been really trying to practice the last few weeks is to keep my mind filled with the truth of the Word so that I can combat the negativity that so easily creeps into my mind. This verse comes to mind a lot:
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
Here's another good one that I just thought of:
"Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:14-16
For those of you going through this, whatever the stage, I pray that you would continue to confidently seek after Jesus in your time of need. He is well acquainted with grief and sorrow. Tell Him what is on your heart and rest in His peace.