tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22101684483468322682023-11-16T08:06:18.564-06:00The WaitingThe story of a woman and her desire for new lifeJessica Kuckhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16328616299106347674noreply@blogger.comBlogger60125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2210168448346832268.post-12164812699891386892012-10-07T12:43:00.000-05:002012-11-04T12:44:07.577-06:00Growing Pains<br />
It's tempting to think that after 25+ years as a Christian, I should be at a place where I've finally "arrived". Sure there may be some tweaking here and there, but the major adjustments should already be taken care of. But as time passes, it seems that I become more and more aware of my sin, and, conversely, I see the magnitude of God's grace.<br />
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I have not arrived yet. God is still working on me.Unfortunately, the most recent season of growing has been very painful and is taking forever.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
6 months of growing? <i>No problem. </i><br />
A year? <i>Ok, I can handle that.</i><br />
A year and 1/2? <i>Wait a minute, that might be a bit of a stretch.</i><br />
2 years? <i>Um, not fond of that one.</i><br />
2 1/2 years? <i>God, what's going on here?</i></blockquote>
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Those who know me understand that I have a strong personality. Whatever God is trying to accomplish in my life right now, He's up against one impatient, stubborn, controlling idealist (which explains all the kicking and screaming).<br />
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During this last round of trying, my husband and I had been praying for safety over all of my fertility organs in addition to a healthy pregnancy. However, knowing the intensity of grief that overcomes me each month I discover nothing happened, I also have asked God to help strengthen me emotionally if this month it didn't work out.<br />
<br />
We still are not pregnant, but I have seen God answer my prayers by encouraging me in the midst of this in different ways.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>1) Reminding me that great things can happen far beyond what I can create when I give God the reigns of my life.</b><br />
I've got a new favorite song right now called "Steal My Show" and in it TobyMac describes this idea of letting God take over. We all have a show and we all have a choice: We can hoard the control of our lives or we can surrender it to God to do as He wills. When I imagine what things could look like if I just let God take over, it's freeing and intriguing. We'll see where he takes this, I guess.<br />
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<b>2) Reminding me that my circumstances don't need to control my joy.</b><br />
I've been really depressed lately because it seems like everything we own is breaking. In the last month, I've had to replace my husband's SUV, our vacuum, our toaster, and my car battery. Some of these things we originally bought with the future of family life in mind, yet here we are having to replace them without ever having used them in the context of their planned future purpose. On top of that, I'm still working full time and have no children. This was not my plan.<br />
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God spoke to me through some people this week to help put my negativity in perspective. The first person mentioned that I can still use the time God has given me now to invest in the people around me. The second person shared how weshe had asked God to help her be content in the midst of an unpleasant situation because she knew she did not have it in her own strength to do so. <br />
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<b>3) Reminding me that He loves me and wants the best for me, which is why I'm experiencing this season of "pruning".</b><br />
This week's sermon at church was one of those "God is talking right to me" sermons. The pastor gave an introductory analogy about plants, which for those who know me, know that I am addicted to plants and the joy that comes from planting them and watching them grow. Then he went on to talk through John 15, which was summed up in three points:<br />
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<ul>
<li>God wants us to be fruitful people (becoming the best that we can be to advance the kingdom).</li>
<li>Fruitfulness comes through being conformed to the image of Christ (discipline [or pruning], obedience, etc ).</li>
<li>When we are conformed and are fruitful, we experience fullness of joy.</li>
</ul>
Listen to the sermon <a href="https://www.cccrochester.org/617561.ihtml">here</a>. It's called "Finding God's Dream for My Life."<br />
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<span id="goog_795840021"></span><span id="goog_795840022"></span><br />Jessica Kuckhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16328616299106347674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2210168448346832268.post-19924246923967505872012-09-03T16:16:00.001-05:002012-09-03T16:16:26.998-05:00O, How the Years Go ByWhen nothing in your life ever really changes, time stands still. It's only when you think about what has transpired over the years that you can actually notice a difference.<br />
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Recently, I've been dealing with the reality of time passing as one by one, women in my life are announcing their second pregnancies or having their second child, all while I am still childless and pregnant-less. It's a situation I have mentally played out in my mind over and over, thinking through scenarios of the significant child-bearing-age women in my life announcing, yet again, that they are expecting. They never happen as I anticipate, but nevertheless I'm still faced with having to react to the news, usually on the fly.<br />
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It's an odd combination of emotions--sadness, joy, numbness, regret, self-pity. I would not wish this situation on anyone.<br />
<br />
Most people are clueless when it comes to being sensitive to women who are struggling to become pregnant. I can understand. I used to be one of them, and I still am in some regards. But, that is why I make sure to help educate others when the opportunity arises.<br />
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For example, I'm at my sister's wedding surrounded by lots of little children, when someone comes up and asks me, "So, when are you going to pop one out?" In these moments, lots of responses run through my head, stemming from both logic and emotion, like: "Do I go into the whole mess of trying to explain all of my history behind my current childless state?" to "I think I want to punch you in the face." I didn't want to be rude, but also wanted this person to understand things aren't always that easy, so I opted for saying something more widely understood rather than getting into the actual details. As concise and matter-of-fact as possible, I responded: "Well, once my body stops having miscarriages, maybe I'll finally pop one out." The person was very apologetic afterwards, which wasn't my intent. I just hope she will think twice before asking someone who has been married an extended period of time and doesn't have any kids when they plan on having children. <br />
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Overcoming the fear of having another screwed up pregnancy to try month after month only to be met with nothing is trying. It's a daily battle to remain positive and teachable. Recent advice given to is that I may be suffering in this way, but there are others suffering in other ways. It is true. Each of us is suffering in some way. Likewise, I am blessed in ways that others are not blessed. So, I am focusing on keeping my mind filled with truth and caring about others so that I am not tempted to wallow in my self and self-pity (it is not a pretty place at times).<br />
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Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him.Jessica Kuckhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16328616299106347674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2210168448346832268.post-34215390128165926392012-05-26T09:16:00.000-05:002012-05-26T09:16:23.121-05:00Scarf on a PlaneOne of the things on <a href="http://waitandbestill.blogspot.com/p/list.html">my list</a> of things to do before having kids is to learn how to knit. I received some knitting needles and yarn a couple years ago for Christmas and began a scarf but never finished it. Recently, I decided to start attacking this goal. Last week I took a business trip to Arizona and spent a total of 7+ hours in plane travel. Knitting is the perfect activity to keep busy when you can't go anywhere or do anything or talk to anyone (I sat next to a guy who couldn't speak English). Needless to say, I had enough time to complete my scarf. <br />
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Unfortunately, we're one the verge of summer, so it will be awhile before this gets much use. I've started working on a crocheting project that I started a few years ago as well. If I get ambitious enough, I may even try knitting some baby items. I have a friend who has inspired me with her creations in that arena.<br />
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Since I actually finished this early on my return flight, I decided to do a little reading for the remaining of the trip and grabbed a little book from my backpack called "<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Sweet-Bitter-Providence-Race-Sovereignty/dp/1433514370">A Sweet and Bitter Providence</a>" by John Piper. He goes through each of the four chapters in the book of Ruth, reflecting on the significance of the different events and how they point to the overall sovereignty and providence of God not only personally in the lives of Naomi and Ruth, but also as it relates to the genealogy of Christ the Messiah.<br />
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I love the story of Naomi and Ruth! God takes a sad situation and by the end of the story works it together for good. Of course, the whole time I was reading this book, the author would make comments that, upon me internalizing them, would make me start getting all teary-eyed and sniffling. Comments like:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>"Just as surely as God brought the famine, God took it away. Naomi could see that. But she could not see all that God was doing. Later she will be able to look back, in the same way we can when we read the book a second time, and see the pointers of hope."</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i> "One of the main messages of this book is that God is at work in the worst of times."</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>"Not only does God reign in all the affairs of men, and not only is his providence sometimes hard, but in all his purposes his purposes are for good and the greater happiness of his people."</i></blockquote>
These sounds like some of the Christian cliches, but as I was reading this story, I could see how God was working in the lives of these people. Knowing the end of the story probably makes it easier to see.<br />
<br />
The text that most caught me off guard was at the end of the book of Ruth. At the beginning of the story, she had been married for 10 years when her husband died, but they had never conceived. For all intents and purposes, she was barren. At the end of the story, she gets married to Boaz:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<br />
<i>"So Boaz took Ruth, and she became his wife. And he went into her, and the LORD gave her conception, and she bore a son."</i> (Ruth 4:13)</blockquote>
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The Lord <i><b>gave</b></i> her conception.<br />
<br />
That statement just made me think of how conception occurs under many different circumstances:<br />
<ul>
<li>The teenage couple messing around and accidentally getting pregnant. </li>
<li>The young married couple that got pregnant before they had a chance to think about it.</li>
<li>The established couple who made calculated choices to get pregnant.</li>
<li>The divided couple where one didn't want children and the other did and they got pregnant.</li>
<li>The woman who was raped under horrible conditions and got pregnant.</li>
<li>The barren couple who tried for years and when they had finally given up, they got pregnant.</li>
</ul>
Why does he give it to some and not others? And why does he give it in situations that are not desirable? Why not reserve the barrenness for the situations in which it is least wanted? I do not know. But no matter how it happens, one thing is sure. God gave the conception. It
was not going to happen without His providence and purpose.<br />
<br />
So, in my case, if it's in God's plan, he will do it. Oh the waiting...Jessica Kuckhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16328616299106347674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2210168448346832268.post-24043762603372521932012-05-24T22:33:00.000-05:002012-05-24T22:33:26.094-05:00MasterpieceSo I was washing dishes over my lunch break the other day and started remembering songs that I listened to as a little girl. One of my favorites was this song called "Masterpiece" by Sandi Patty. As I thought on the lyrics, I couldn't help but imagine myself in the future singing this to my child(ren). I think it will be a song I sing to them even before they're born. Of course, first I need to get pregnant.<br />
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<script src="http://www.godtube.com/embed/source/09b0cnnu.js?w=400&h=255&ap=true&sl=true&title=true" type="text/javascript">
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<a href="http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=09B0CNNU">Sandi Patty - Masterpiece</a> from <a href="http://www.godtube.com/bobmarshall">bobmarshall</a> on <a href="http://www.godtube.com/">GodTube</a>.Jessica Kuckhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16328616299106347674noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2210168448346832268.post-47311491778868129342012-05-02T17:54:00.000-05:002012-05-02T17:54:55.568-05:00SparrowThe other day, after 3 drying cycles and load full of clothes still wet, my husband found this upon further investigation:<br />
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A sparrow had made itself a home in our dryer vent opening and proceeded to lay some eggs as well. Of course, we had to clean it out and throw it all away. A couple days later, I looked out my kitchen window and saw the sparrow standing in the cold on the deck rail. I felt bad. Where was this poor sparrow going to live now that I'd decimated its home? It was then that I remembered:<br />
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His eye is on the sparrow.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? (Matthew 6:25-27)</i></blockquote>
On my way home for lunch today I was reminded of this again when heard a song on the radio. It was a modernized version of the old hymn "His Eye Is On the Sparrow". They lyrics to <a href="http://www.songlyrics.com/audrey-assad/sparrow-lyrics/">this version</a> are a little different than the <a href="http://www.hymnlyrics.org/mostpopularhymns/his_eye_is_on_the_sparrow.php">old one</a>, but they keep the same theme.<br />
<br />
As time gets closer to when we can start trying again, I find myself
internally conflicted. The thought of getting pregnant again terrifies me. I don't want to risk experiencing all the pain of
pregnancy loss all over again, not to mention some kind of life-threatening issue. Yet, I so desperately want to experience
the joy of a little baby. <br />
<br />
I was encouraged by the lyrics in the song:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Why should I be troubled<br />
When His tender word I hear<br />
Know I rest on His goodness<br />
In my doubt and in my fear</blockquote>
Whatever God's plan is, I know I can trust Him. He is good. I do not need to worry. As I step out in faith, He will lead me in the midst of my doubt and fear.<br />
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His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He's watching me.<br />
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<br />Jessica Kuckhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16328616299106347674noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2210168448346832268.post-5852569653607169342012-04-19T19:48:00.001-05:002012-04-19T20:01:42.314-05:00Negative = PositiveThe last week I've been enjoying some time off from work on a 2-week
vacation which has included time spent in the Shenandoah Valley, Washington
D.C., and bumming around at home. I've decided I need to do this more
often. Between having a PTO freeze the last few years at work and
working to bank up my time so that I can use it for a maternity leave,
I've pretty much maxed out my PTO savings potential. So, in order for me not to lose it, I need to use it. I plan on taking some more time off this summer!<br />
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The nice thing about being away is that it not only gave me a break from work, but also gave me the opportunity to think about something else besides feeling sorry for myself because of the ectopic pregnancy. I think the thought crossed my mind maybe two times the whole trip after seeing some moms with babies. Now, that's not to say I was not reminded about my situation every day, however. I had horrible cramps and heavier bleeding for the majority of the trip (how romantic!). I was not sure if the bleeding was truly a period or some sort of reactivation of my molar-infected cells eating away at the insides of my uterus and fallopian tubes (yes, my imagination is quite vivid). I had to throw this issue on Jesus multiple times so that I would not go crazy.<br />
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The second to last day of our trip I noticed a significant decrease in the bleeding. The last day it was the same thing. I was hopeful that perhaps this was nearing the end of over 55+ consecutive days of some form of vaginal bleeding. Once we got home, I had to go in for another blood draw. I was unsure what the results would be considering my disappointment from the last time and the analysis I had done in a <a href="http://waitandbestill.blogspot.com/2012/04/trends-and-forecasts.html">previous post</a>. You can imagine my surprise when my results came back at...<br />
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2.1! (a 99.4% drop!)<br />
<br />
Anything <5.0 is considered negative, which to me is actually <i>positive</i> because this means:<br />
<ul>
<li>I'm officially no longer "pregnant"</li>
<li>No more needle sticks</li>
<li>I only have one more cycle to wait before I can try again</li>
</ul>
I think I'm in shock. I don't really know how to feel right now except grateful! Thank you all who have kept Dave and I in your prayers!Jessica Kuckhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16328616299106347674noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2210168448346832268.post-50252419531653124342012-04-07T19:26:00.000-05:002012-04-07T19:26:52.358-05:00MusicMusic is the audible manifestation of emotion, the form of which is most easily consumed by the spirit. No translation or interface needed. Music + feeling = absolute comprehension on behalf of the soul. <br />
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I love the gift of music! Music helps you live life. No matter what you're going through, good or bad, there is a song to accompany you through it! (if you see a pun, none intended) I have a page solely dedicated to <a href="http://waitandbestill.blogspot.com/p/music.html">music</a> on this site. My hope is that people can be encouraged through these songs in the middle of their difficult time. I've often used them as prayers.<br />
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When I first started experiencing bleeding with this pregnancy, I started my own music therapy plan. My mind can go down a really dark path if I don't keep it reigned in, so for the first 2 weeks I would just listen to praise & worship music. I wanted to fill my soul with the Great I AM and praise Him for who He is: <br />
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Awesome. Mighty. Holy. Powerful. Loving. Good. Just. Savior. Comforter. Healer. Everlasting. Long-suffering. Creator. Righteous. Merciful. Gracious.<br />
<br />
When I am weak, He is strong. The music helped me rest in His strength. <br />
<br />
My sister just recently introduced me to a song. In addition to this song becoming a current favorite of mine (and always running through my head), I've been inspired by the mission of the artist who wrote/performs it. Her name is Beckah Shae and she desires to make music with a positive message that is contextualized to our pop culture. Click <a href="http://www.beckahshae.com/about/">here</a> to read her story.<br />
<br />
Anyway, when I first heard this song my imagination got the best of me. I immediately pictured myself in the ambiance of a heavenly night club (oxymoron?) where the music gradually enveloped me and I began to dance. My spirit was dancing alone, yet in the midst of many others. Translucent, sparkling rainbows of energy spiraled around me and whisked my hair. I could feel the freedom of weightlessness and freedom from the sorrow of this broken world as I danced uninhibited.<br />
<br />
Back to reality.<br />
<br />
I stink at dancing. Still, one my next to-do's is to start playing this song really loud in my living room and just start moving around in ways that I think are cool (even though, had I a mirror, I would humbly be met with the sad truth). I will get out of breath. I will be clutzy. But there is something poetic about that as well. It's being physical, being alive. It's loving the moment.<br />
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I had another blood draw today. It came back at 330. Not real crazy about this because it didn't even drop by 50% this time. It is still a downward trend, though and, typically, the closer to zero you get, the less percentage drop between draws.<br />
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" /><br />
The past few days I've had heavy cramping and increased bleeding/clots. I was hoping that it was because my blood levels were getting so low that my body is finally getting back to normal. Guess not. Not really sure what it means. The not knowing is what drives you nuts because you don't know if what you're experiencing is okay or if you should be concerned. They always give you the same answer: if you are soaking an entire pad every 1-2 hours, that is too much. Well, it's not that much, but what is normal? I wish they would do studies and document it so that woman could gauge their symptoms across general trends in women instead of having to call the on-call residents who sound annoyed that they were interrupted for such stupid questions.<br />
<br />
So, let's think about the numbers and get some hypotheticals.<br />
<br />
If all I have is a 27% drop each week from now on, it will take 14 weeks to get down to negative. That puts us in the middle of <b>July 2012</b>. I'm assuming that I will not start to have a real period until these HCGs go negative, so give myself a week or two to start after that. Then I have to have 2 periods before trying to conceive. The soonest I could potentially conceive would be beginning of <b>September 2012</b>. Considering it typically happens within 3 months for me, the more likely date would be mid to late <b>November 2012</b>. Now, lets assume this pregnancy actually takes and is not a complete disaster. That puts me having my first kid in late <b>August 2013</b>. I would be 29 1/2 years old.<br />
<br />
Let's be more positive about this now and assume this was just an off week. If I have a 50% drop each week from now on, it will take 7 weeks to get to negative, which is around the end of <b>May 2012</b>. Give me a couple weeks for a period to start and then add another cycle, the soonest I could start trying to conceive would be late <b>July 2012</b>. Again, if it takes 3 months like usual, we're looking at late <b>June 2013</b> before a little Kuck comes around.<br />
<br />
Again, this is all assuming somewhat of a happy path (though the ultimate happy path is that in the next two weeks this blood draw thing is over...). It could take 6 months to conceive. I could have a few miscarriages along the way. Who in their right mind knows?<br />
<br />
So, I guess we have at least another year of paying down the house aggressively. If I'm good, maybe I can chop off 50% of our remaining balance by the time a baby is born. I wish I got paid more! As much as I like paying down my house so that I can reach the Dave Ramsey baby step 7 "Build Wealth & Give", I would much rather have a child. I knew I shouldn't have told God that if He helped us get rid of our mortgage, I'd give back to His service! He took me way too seriously! (Seriously, though. That is one of my life goals to give to others in need. I've been the recipient of so much generosity, I would like to bless others in the same way!).<br />
<br />
Final thought: my husband and I never fully agreed on how many kids we wanted to have. He wanted 2 or 3 and I wanted 4 or 5. I've told him since all this started a few years ago that for every year we are married without children, I get to have a kid. We are up to 5!<br />
<br />
I want kids, God! Thy will, not mine be done!<br />
<br />
* * * * *<br />
UPDATE:<br />
I did end up calling the nurse last night and shared with her my symptoms. I couldn't take it any longer because all I could think about was "What if I'm getting ready to hemorrhage?". The bleeding just looks more like bleeding than a period, and reminded me of what things looked like close to when I did start hemorrhaging after my molar.<br />
<br />
So, per the nurse and the doctor, the thought is that this could be a period. I asked if it was possible to have a period this soon when my levels are still positive. She said yes. So, if that is true, this ranks up with one of the weirdest periods I've ever had in my 18 years of perioding. These cramps are stronger than any cramps I've had in the last 5 years. But, if this IS a period, then maybe this will help my trends out immensely and I could potentially start trying sooner? We shall see.Jessica Kuckhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16328616299106347674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2210168448346832268.post-47256737008460770862012-04-05T21:16:00.000-05:002012-04-05T21:16:34.831-05:00The Photo AlbumWhen I was first married, my husband's grandmother gave me a photo album. It was filled with pictures from when he was a baby through his college years. This book was my guilty pleasure. I would sit for extended periods of time and just soak in every picture. I mean, who wouldn't want to sit and look through pictures of the man of their dreams?<br />
<br />
My favorite part of the book was the beginning where all his baby pictures were. This man was a gorgeous baby. As I paged through, I would daydream about having his children and, with anticipation, imagine what our children would look like. I couldn't wait!<br />
<br />
As time went on, it became more and more apparent that he was not yet ready to have kids. Confused and heart-broken, I put away the photo album. Very rarely did I look at it, and when I did, I wished I'd hadn't because it just made me too sad. Top onto this the whole molar pregnancy fiasco. What a recipe for dust collection! The book sat unopened for a couple years.<br />
<br />
I just recently opened it again. It was like meeting with an old friend. Time has been good to this book 1) because it is in great shape, and 2) because it has given me the chance to heal in regards to daydreaming about its contents. <br />
<br />
Here are a few of the reasons why I get excited about my future children:<br />
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<br />Jessica Kuckhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16328616299106347674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2210168448346832268.post-88613846944748206632012-04-01T16:30:00.000-05:002012-04-01T16:30:28.217-05:00Vicarious MotheringThe jury is still out as to whether or not this "mother" thing will ever happen to me personally. In spite of this, I do believe I have been given the gift of vicarious mothering opportunities over the years via different relationships in my life.<br />
<br />
<b>Relationship #1: Sibling </b><br />
As the second oldest of seven, I have had my fair share of caring for children. I've often thought of myself as a live-in nanny, though it wasn't necessarily by choice. There were ups and downs.<br />
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="MsoTableGrid" style="border-collapse: collapse; border: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-insideh: .5pt solid windowtext; mso-border-insidev: .5pt solid windowtext; mso-padding-alt: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-yfti-tbllook: 480;">
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">UPS</b></div>
</td>
<td style="border-left: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 221.4pt;" valign="top" width="295"><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">DOWNS</b></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 1; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes;">
<td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 221.4pt;" valign="top" width="295"><ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="circle">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">Watching
them fall asleep while feeding them</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">Helping
them learn new things</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">Making
them smile</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">Playing
with them</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">Watching
their personalities develop as they grow older</li>
<li class="MsoNormal">Kissing their cheeks </li>
<li class="MsoNormal">Taking care of them (when I was in a good mood) </li>
</ul>
</td>
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<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">Being
stuck watching them for hours on end with no idea when my mom would come
back home</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">Changing
dirty diapers</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">Cleaning
up after them</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">Dealing
with strong wills with absolutely no authority to do anything about it</li>
<li class="MsoNormal">Taking care of them (when I was in a bad mood) </li>
</ul>
</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
For some time, I felt the need to balance "sisterhood" with "nanny-hood" because there were so many times where I had to be responsible for their well-being. But as the years have gone by, my relationship with my younger siblings has slowly morphed into sister/equal, which I quite enjoy. The transition has been a unique experience.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHsC_HWd5SDhyUf-Wmq-HCWPV5YuJN-v8gl5h4ZRABEMJqna4rKhBtqOP5NDn5kxppnsb9Gg6M2mYws8Vjq6XuRSoLEQXwxpqL13vv4uwdgCPqyr0yiRNLUVshA2bMfRwuJCtWzzHDgIpk/s1600/Christine+Jess.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHsC_HWd5SDhyUf-Wmq-HCWPV5YuJN-v8gl5h4ZRABEMJqna4rKhBtqOP5NDn5kxppnsb9Gg6M2mYws8Vjq6XuRSoLEQXwxpqL13vv4uwdgCPqyr0yiRNLUVshA2bMfRwuJCtWzzHDgIpk/s320/Christine+Jess.png" width="224" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Holding Christine at my Kindergarten graduation when I was six. She is
the middle-middle child of us all. We had "school" when she was little
and I helped teach her spelling and math before she was even in
pre-school! I have enjoyed watching her grow up and develop her many
creative talents (art, music, communications). Once I graduated college,
I felt strongly about encouraging her during her college years. For the
last six months she has lived with my husband and I. It has been a
privilege to mentor her as she makes the transition into adulthood. She
has taught me many things as well! I will miss her!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNBT4jRw0fytGw8zlwNwJaXLymB0Ey_aDIdOm5eSW_nKKSOXETbBp5zgq_6OirTPPF5xhSgzfi9LhKJvarGLVMW-aZflMgaXSrpbNFKE5Qoac050QaOMzQjn5ho8ild55ajVvsGxO70I-W/s1600/Chris+Jess.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNBT4jRw0fytGw8zlwNwJaXLymB0Ey_aDIdOm5eSW_nKKSOXETbBp5zgq_6OirTPPF5xhSgzfi9LhKJvarGLVMW-aZflMgaXSrpbNFKE5Qoac050QaOMzQjn5ho8ild55ajVvsGxO70I-W/s320/Chris+Jess.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Holding Christopher when I was six, right before going into 1st grade. I
remember planning his birthday parties with my other sisters when he
was little. He and I are similarly strong-willed and passionate about
what we believe, so it was always a character building experience to
watch him when mom was gone. He made it very clear to me that I was not
the "boss" of him. I have thoroughly enjoyed watching him grow up to be a
man who is a deep thinker, born leader, and hard worker. He has taught
me how to love no matter what!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQepeaZeGDpZgBtWGrETPAue8dC2_9GjtQf4DflyJZpo53AvEG5k0UffkDfq13q7EVb5R-EWU2SNnoZLUJOhMjkPBwPnZiB3_B348rDdvq67j0oXhSzOmBKQhwHmqPbRHCkXxV94jTaNT3/s1600/nathanandjess.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="221" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQepeaZeGDpZgBtWGrETPAue8dC2_9GjtQf4DflyJZpo53AvEG5k0UffkDfq13q7EVb5R-EWU2SNnoZLUJOhMjkPBwPnZiB3_B348rDdvq67j0oXhSzOmBKQhwHmqPbRHCkXxV94jTaNT3/s320/nathanandjess.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Multi-tasking with Nathan when I was in high school; I'm playing
checkers, feeding him pretzels, and eating the pretzels he's offering me
at the same time. Of all the siblings, he's the one I probably helped
raise the most, primarily due to my age at the time. I made a point to
make sure this child had a proper baby book, took him to the pool,
picked him up from school, and the list goes on. I kind of spoiled him,
too. After moving out of the house, I can remember being emotional at
the thought of him growing up. I will never forget the day I called home
and heard a deep voice on the other end: "Chris?" (No) "Dad?" (No)
"Nathan?!!?!" (Yes) Yeah, I started bawling. He's in high school now and
I am so proud of him!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC6eesg9iArvTbgEn1CE8UzsMg1UKEBnnSs1RzB5Qr-Wp6CJuHgB5fHgIPsZrS_T7NTuyR91yyuNh7ejiFILo1v8BUwVVM3UUuKf8kOHtCVwXN0usEHtNcdJxKI8ElvQHRo_5KX4qFy44k/s1600/Hannah+Jess.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC6eesg9iArvTbgEn1CE8UzsMg1UKEBnnSs1RzB5Qr-Wp6CJuHgB5fHgIPsZrS_T7NTuyR91yyuNh7ejiFILo1v8BUwVVM3UUuKf8kOHtCVwXN0usEHtNcdJxKI8ElvQHRo_5KX4qFy44k/s320/Hannah+Jess.png" width="254" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Holding Hannah on a weekend home from college. I had the privilege of
caring for her in her toddler stage. While I didn't have as much time
with her compared to the others, I did have a year with her. I would
feed her, put her down for naps, take her on walks, dance to music with
her, and of course spoil her. She's always had such a funny personality.
At 3/4 years old she would call me at college to talk. I would ask,
"Does mom know you're on the phone?" She would usually dodge the
question and change the subject. She's in grade school now. I love
getting to know her and having "sis time" together.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<b></b><br />
<b>Relationship #2: Aunt</b><br />
<br />
Being an aunt is so much fun! I love my nieces and nephews! The great thing about aunt-hood is that you have all the benefits of the "ups" listed above, but hardly any "downs" (that's what the parents are for!). Though, I will say I have had to change diapers with these guys, and some pretty nasty ones at that, but it is worth it! I find it miraculous how much love can come out of a person. Just when you think you've loved it all out, another baby comes along and you find more. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh56nxtgqeswuAbnYrE3ptpKzdFXMJPywiJwc_dOPD8JbS5LgUX0jLcpcvVY-cjaK8prtNbzYzGymWjo7Nv0EwelsgGSjGvvCCAxxWO7AqqjQ6051qaSlzZ5qHBgrcMSZxhb15xzwhycQ7r/s1600/Rebekah+Kids.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh56nxtgqeswuAbnYrE3ptpKzdFXMJPywiJwc_dOPD8JbS5LgUX0jLcpcvVY-cjaK8prtNbzYzGymWjo7Nv0EwelsgGSjGvvCCAxxWO7AqqjQ6051qaSlzZ5qHBgrcMSZxhb15xzwhycQ7r/s320/Rebekah+Kids.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">These are my older sister's kids (she is older by 1 year). I love these guys! Each personality is so unique. Watching them grow up is so cool! Of course, every time I see new pictures on facebook I get teary-eyed because they live so far away. I cherish every visit!</td></tr>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIFzdT2PKn5tlBWV932qWczWvyHDrECZcwRSrcjV5WXiVyF4ESJSJFs8eqXjRPdSt27LtNpeK7EWkzI7i0_GjgYi1q2jzFnyDvwA1e3m1kaoGoyZPRByA0zhpJbWVYqTVa2Mar5zWZ4x_R/s1600/abigail.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIFzdT2PKn5tlBWV932qWczWvyHDrECZcwRSrcjV5WXiVyF4ESJSJFs8eqXjRPdSt27LtNpeK7EWkzI7i0_GjgYi1q2jzFnyDvwA1e3m1kaoGoyZPRByA0zhpJbWVYqTVa2Mar5zWZ4x_R/s320/abigail.jpg" width="212" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFXqn-QFGL7pnp_rcvun9iGmO6Y9MK1Qq4ixZ8tfsanIMbYnBBgiA4eEgGU7EcFC10_t_bO7pp3rqHhcC5MVdBKy21yqCYI1w8elwzKJu3MmUL78k47iw1up6IwEStXDeBcZ5lOY6BUljx/s1600/madison.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFXqn-QFGL7pnp_rcvun9iGmO6Y9MK1Qq4ixZ8tfsanIMbYnBBgiA4eEgGU7EcFC10_t_bO7pp3rqHhcC5MVdBKy21yqCYI1w8elwzKJu3MmUL78k47iw1up6IwEStXDeBcZ5lOY6BUljx/s320/madison.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">These are my younger sister's girls (she is younger by 1 year). I'm so lucky to be close enough to be able to see these sweeties every few weeks. They bring me so much joy!</span></div>
<br />
<b>Relationship #3: Friend</b><br />
As a friend, you don't have quite as many opportunities on the "ups" side and virtually no downs, unless you elect to babysit! But you still have the joy of watching the kids grow up and hearing the stories of the crazy things they do with their parents. They can be quite entertaining at 10:30 p.m., especially since they are not your own!<br />
<br />
<b>Relationship #4: Teacher</b><br />
I've had the privilege of being a Sunday School/VBS teacher at different parts in my life. Most recently, I have lost some of my patience for misbehaved children that stems from lazy parenting, so I have not been as involved. But, in my earlier days, it was so much fun. I really tried hard to help the kids learn about Jesus and tried to incorporate memorable/out-of-the-ordinary activities in my teaching to make a difference. I find so much joy seeing from a distance how these kids grow in the Lord. It is an honor to have been a small part of that development.Jessica Kuckhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16328616299106347674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2210168448346832268.post-30687304593931847722012-03-30T23:05:00.001-05:002012-03-30T23:05:54.636-05:00GloriaI went in for an last-minute appointment the other day. I had written an email via my online patient portal asking about how long this bleeding is supposed to last (because it just seems to be taking forever to go away) and then somehow that turned into a nurse calling saying "We want you to come in today." So, I did.<br />
<br />
At least they let me keep my pants on.<br />
<br />
It was pretty much just a conversation with my doctor. He is a resident. (Side note: Ever since having doctor friends, I've really come to appreciate all the hard work and long hours they put in. They do not get compensated nearly enough if you ask me.) Anyway, we talked about how long the bleeding would last and he said around 6 weeks for me due to the size of my "mass." We also discussed what signs to look for if something was infected because I was worried about that. You see, my bleeding is not really bleeding. It is weird dark brown who knows what. Sometimes I wonder if having a D&C prior to treating the ectopic would have had much effect on the amount of bleeding or not? My personal feeling about D&Cs is that I don't want people "blindly" scraping out the inside of my uterus, but the bleeding does go away quite quickly after having one, which is nice.<br />
<br />
We also discussed trying to conceive again. This is what started brief moments of tears every once in awhile. I was quite surprised at my emotional outbursts because most of the time I am fine talking about things. I think "trying again" is definitely a sensitive topic because you try to discuss in "when" terms, but I always replace the "when" with "if" in my head. When you try again... (you mean, if I try again, doctor...) When you get pregnant again... (you mean if I get pregnant again...). My internal dialogue always needs to be kept in check. I've given myself permission to think these things but my rule is: "You can go there if you need to, Jess, but you can't stay there." I believe it will happen again, but there is part of me that doesn't want it to happen because it is too painful to go through the loss.<br />
<br />
Toward the end of our conversation, I asked him what kind of resources they have to help with the emotional healing of all this. Not that I don't have a good support group. I do. But I was curious because I thought to myself, "What about the people who don't have anyone? This would have been a horrible patient experience in respect to treating the emotional well-being of the patient." He said that they usually do it for miscarriages. I would consider ectopics and molar pregnancies types of miscarriages, because in some ways the grief would seem to be the same. He asked if I would still like more information. I said, "Certainly."<br />
<br />
A few minutes later, a nurse came in asking me how I was doing. I said "Good" even though I had been teared up a bit. She's like, "No you're not." <i>Uh...Ok.</i> I thought to myself. The nurse proceeded to start talking and, in spite of the rocky start, I instantly connected with her. She just had a spirit of comfort that put me at ease. As she was talking I couldn't help thinking to myself, "Who is this woman?" and I looked down at her name tag.<br />
<br />
It read: Gloria.<br />
<br />
Gloria!?!<br />
<br />
Back when this all began, I had a lot of phone conversations with a nurse. Her name was Gloria. She was amazing. I had very candid conversations with this woman and she was the nurse that convinced the doctor to start getting blood draws early on per my deeply emotional request. When I felt like no other staff was taking me seriously, Gloria did. It made all the difference, because my fears ended up being confirmed. I can only imagine how much later all the "discoveries" would have been if she hadn't listened to me back from the very beginning.<br />
<br />
The day I had my ultrasound appointment where they confirmed the ectopic, I asked for Gloria before I left. I wanted to tell her how sincerely grateful I was for her and all she did for me over those weeks. Unfortunately, she had already left for the day. I was bummed. I didn't think I would ever get to meet her to personally share my gratitude.<br />
<br />
But there she was! Right in front of my eyes! I immediately interrupted and exclaimed, "You're Gloria!" She looked at me kind of funny and then I started showering her with "thank yous" and "I'm so glad to finally meet you". I explained to her who I was. She remembered me from our phone conversations and of course I started bawling. On the verge of tears herself, she got up and gave me a hug and said, "I don't mean to get churchy, but do you believe that things happen for a reason?" "Yes, I do!" I replied. <br />
<br />
After things died down, she left the room and came back with some literature and a tiny square of baby-theme printed fleece in honor of my loss.<br />
<br />
So, my last-minute appointment turned out being not so "last-minute" at all. It was a divine appointment with Gloria, who most definitely lived up to her name; through her I saw God's glory.Jessica Kuckhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16328616299106347674noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2210168448346832268.post-46833034012116265432012-03-24T22:32:00.000-05:002012-03-24T22:32:20.399-05:00Grief, Joy, PeaceLatest news is that my HCGs are down to 952! Almost lower than when I got my first draw. We are getting somewhere. I'm still bleeding but am hoping that it will go away sometime soon. After my uterus emptied the first time, things got really light almost gone, but then after the chemo, the bleeding came back and has been there ever since. Not sure what's going on. As long as I continue to bleed I worry at times about if a molar is in there somewhere, but as long as my HCGs go down, I gain more confidence that this is truly going away.<br /><br />I thought that my grieving was over back during the first week when this all started. I was reliving lots of feelings of "Why me?", "Why again?" "Why now?" and had bursts of intense weeping. But then it was gone, almost euphoric, and I felt so much at peace. Even when I struggled through the idea of having to make the choice to end my baby's life, I felt at peace. Even when I relived the methotrexate shots, I felt at peace. In the midst of dealing with all this behind the scenes, but having to go to work and it being absolutely crazy busy/not normal schedule, I felt at peace. <br /><br />Then last weekend, something snapped. My attitude stunk and it made everything around me worse. As I look back on this, it seems to me that in times of deep emotional stress, this happens. It's like you're given grace and peace for a period of time to be able to function through the initial blow. It's like you do what you have to do, you're in a dream or something. But then, it will come back and if you're not expecting it, it hits hard. Something triggers the experience all over again. I remember when my sister's fiancee passed away having this experience happen. It happened with my molar. And it's happened again. <br /><br />I thought I was going to be in the clear! I was feeling so good! Different things trigger different griefs. There are "pure" griefs. I think I've experienced most of the pure griefs. Things like when the clinic nurses ask me in the appointment, "When are you due?" and I have to say "I'm not. It's ectopic," which proceeds to send me down the mental path that "I was due in October and was going to have a baby to shower with gifts for Christmas, but I'm no longer having a baby." Or when I passed some clot/tissue thing and I thought for a brief moment, "I'm sorry baby. I will see you again someday." However, I must say that for certain "griefs" of mine, they have had time to root. In all honesty, it's transformed from grief to bitterness. Things like: <br /><br />
<ul>
<li><b>Going to work everyday.</b> I've been working at this place for over 5 years now. Great place to work. Great people. But everyday I go to work is a reminder that I have no children. My famous quote is, "I love my job, but I hate going."</li>
<li><b>My marriage anniversaries.</b> I've been married almost 5 years! It is wonderful! I love my husband. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. But when I think about how long I've been married and how long we dated before that, it turns into an even bigger number and I think to myself, "I should have had kids by now."</li>
<li><b>Pregnant woman.</b> I think pregnancy is awesome. The gift of life is so beautiful! Babies are beautiful! But every time I see a pregnant woman (and there are so many!) it is a reminder of two things: 1) I will never have a care-free, innocent pregnancy experience. 2) I do not have any children.</li>
</ul>
<br />Needless to say, bitterness is not becoming and so it is really an intentional skill of mental gymnastics (along with the help of the Holy Spirit) to master my mind. I can't NOT think about these things. They come up practically every day. But I CAN choose to not dwell on them and think about other things instead. I didn't do it last weekend, and it was bad. Oops. Today is a new day and my magnolia bush is blooming, so I will rejoice in this!<br />
<br />* * * * * * * *<br />
<br />
Later after writing this, I read my devotion for today and it had some good things to say about rejoicing. I'm still working on this lesson in my life, so I really needed to hear it!<br /><b></b><br />
<blockquote>
<b>Rejoice in the Lord <span style="font-size: x-small;">-</span></b><span style="font-size: x-small;"> Buddy Riddle, Senior Pastor of Harvest Church in Houston, Texas</span><br /><br />Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. - Philippians 4:4-9<br /><br />What does it mean to rejoice in the Lord? I mean really be at peace and rejoice in the Lord. Now some of you may be thinking, “Pastor, you don’t know how bad my life is or how bad my life has been. It would be pretty hard for me to rejoice right now.” Well, we all have a starting point, and you won’t understand how to “rejoice in the Lord” if you start in the middle.<br /><br />In the verses above, Paul is not saying “don’t worry, be happy.” He’s talking about a supernatural joy that comes not from circumstances, but from a deep contentment in Christ. We so often want to try to get peace and joy from our circumstances, and we keep asking God to change them. But what God wants to do is show us that the path to joy starts by trusting in the sovereign, living God through the person of Jesus Christ. He wants to show us that we can have unbelievable, supernatural joy in the middle of any circumstance. Really. It can happen.<br /><br />We place such false confidence in our circumstances bringing us joy. You know, the “If I just had fill-in-the-blank, I could finally rejoice. “And just how long would that last if you got it? The reality is that our circumstances are always changing. Think about it; if you found the most wonderful circumstances—your spouse, your baby, a new car, a boyfriend or girlfriend—pick whatever you want. Will it stay the same? Well, will it? The spouse will change, the baby will need changing, the car will soon lose that new car smell, that boyfriend or girlfriend will be disappointing—it all changes. Circumstances are shifting sand and you can’t stand on them—or find deep joy in them alone.<br /><br />The starting point is finding joy in the person of Jesus Christ; not success, not people, not money, not status, not drugs and alcohol, not therapy, but in a deep, abiding relationship with the Lord. You may ask, “So, exactly how do I do that?” Cultivate a relationship with Him through prayer where you both talk to Him and listen to Him. You know you are having a good relationship with someone when you are actively trying to hear what they have to say. Abide in Him. Spend so much time with Him reading His Word and praying that talking to Him becomes natural. Joy will now come, and over time, you will see that no matter what the circumstance, your joy and peace, as long as it is found in Christ first, will remain. </blockquote>Jessica Kuckhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16328616299106347674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2210168448346832268.post-89054710537217025062012-03-17T09:25:00.003-05:002012-03-17T09:25:35.104-05:00Spring's a comin'I love waking up in the morning when hardly anyone else is up yet. It is so peaceful. I went down this morning to get my blood drawn again. I wonder how much more it will go down today? Maybe I'll be in the triple digits now? I stopped by Caribou afterwards and got a Carmel Highrise with a french toast muffin. Mmmmm! It is my reward for being stuck with a needle. I know that I use that excuse too often to splurge on little things like that (which results in many cups of coffee/smoothies/sweet treats), but I can't use it for much longer so I'm living it up while I can!<br />
<br />
When I came home, I took a trip around my house to check on my plants and trees. For the last few years I've been slowing adding to my yard. My husband bought our house before we were married and it was brand new. New houses are such a great blessing but they lack in the greenery department! I grew up in New York countryside, so I had lots of old, tall trees around all the time. I am quite tree-deprived now. However, like I said, I'm remedying the situation.<br />
<br />
I have two trees in front, an autum blaze maple (pretty in the fall) and a fruitless white flowering crab (pretty in the spring).<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVTzx62o6o5ugpZzxhYDgWLWNbYZKKXyEckvKvopZlAwWBhaReowjmym04gSHrb50e6xO2br4ViCqNZIUk7dEk0fHVIQeIBPvgKePlE2EV5_0e6wZtEI5dCD0ieItYdpQm9Ur5CrxPEUeM/s1600/Autumn+Blaze+maple.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVTzx62o6o5ugpZzxhYDgWLWNbYZKKXyEckvKvopZlAwWBhaReowjmym04gSHrb50e6xO2br4ViCqNZIUk7dEk0fHVIQeIBPvgKePlE2EV5_0e6wZtEI5dCD0ieItYdpQm9Ur5CrxPEUeM/s320/Autumn+Blaze+maple.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Autumn blaze maple (last spring)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7aUfBr6n6UMa0a13Ft3AQCI3FROIXy_28gionqifOnv63TFoVQzb38MnwfBVVXNJg6ow4x4deIj1Pv9YLoa0hmBEgIx1ooG8MWq7JC7eUZDl5VdT40qaDHCTGMXq3J6Hj7GlDcUV1Sfk_/s1600/Flowering+Crab.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7aUfBr6n6UMa0a13Ft3AQCI3FROIXy_28gionqifOnv63TFoVQzb38MnwfBVVXNJg6ow4x4deIj1Pv9YLoa0hmBEgIx1ooG8MWq7JC7eUZDl5VdT40qaDHCTGMXq3J6Hj7GlDcUV1Sfk_/s320/Flowering+Crab.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">White flowering crabapple (last spring)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzeza_9imeJF4-BPOU_UrdZCEKRQL9RsqF1OyocLmM4QoD-M5sKAO6EovHidCpI-ggLetgyztjHUx9zhddcMRziek1AEajTOXVYJ-N41svsNmGnCW5beiAF4QWPCBlXUsEkhnIRgPHe8Vi/s1600/Flower+Crab+blooms.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzeza_9imeJF4-BPOU_UrdZCEKRQL9RsqF1OyocLmM4QoD-M5sKAO6EovHidCpI-ggLetgyztjHUx9zhddcMRziek1AEajTOXVYJ-N41svsNmGnCW5beiAF4QWPCBlXUsEkhnIRgPHe8Vi/s320/Flower+Crab+blooms.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Crabapple blooms (last spring)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
I also have a white magnolia bush in the front (enchanting in the early spring because when everything else is brown and dead, it is flowering. Just what a Minnesota girl needs to keep her hopes up for warmer weather!).<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiARa_jAXLsc6cpS-i2ZS8BVUqktFNsIyk0unc9cL9x_aHa5mUV1zrN8g0oxzwrMM-XSKH1kyHpHJk5C-efBc-xae0rx-pck0trxMQiA3xIkNKcvA6bFdkCW2cdYTO0VJGohqGhC2ldbBOc/s1600/Magnolia+bush.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiARa_jAXLsc6cpS-i2ZS8BVUqktFNsIyk0unc9cL9x_aHa5mUV1zrN8g0oxzwrMM-XSKH1kyHpHJk5C-efBc-xae0rx-pck0trxMQiA3xIkNKcvA6bFdkCW2cdYTO0VJGohqGhC2ldbBOc/s320/Magnolia+bush.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">White magnolia bush (last spring)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhf6I27QAeqoASn6PetsSJPkttEtL2DbuypK-ousI0WDWCbZpwS6go92IKMGItYaFENk3ZAGgew_2eKqFPbpxfZO0uHDjRraF46rcGPvRJ6yglEdwOI4cFBmdvUwJly04PG0GAhRMx93cM-/s1600/Magnolia+flowers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhf6I27QAeqoASn6PetsSJPkttEtL2DbuypK-ousI0WDWCbZpwS6go92IKMGItYaFENk3ZAGgew_2eKqFPbpxfZO0uHDjRraF46rcGPvRJ6yglEdwOI4cFBmdvUwJly04PG0GAhRMx93cM-/s320/Magnolia+flowers.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Magnolia blooms (last spring)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
In the backyard I have a quaking aspen, whitespire birch, fat albert blue spruce, and black hills spruce, and lilac bushes around the deck.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgc8bIIZlXb_ZQI3SXkWbmD41_VsnvTsTnd6mKWiiBrTRc8ANFQgPKOCvP4g8j4BsiYk8c91QZu5p3jLJQLliWYF8o_3uxheVeD6K3-3dpaUB6FxWcu7yy3SP9lMwgUVTCXsDh8F76t9pCa/s1600/backyard+bushes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgc8bIIZlXb_ZQI3SXkWbmD41_VsnvTsTnd6mKWiiBrTRc8ANFQgPKOCvP4g8j4BsiYk8c91QZu5p3jLJQLliWYF8o_3uxheVeD6K3-3dpaUB6FxWcu7yy3SP9lMwgUVTCXsDh8F76t9pCa/s320/backyard+bushes.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Back yard (last spring)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I can't wait for this spring!!!Jessica Kuckhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16328616299106347674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2210168448346832268.post-15458467468515123482012-03-15T10:13:00.001-05:002012-03-15T10:13:33.958-05:00Good News and RealityGood news! No surgery for me. Thank you all who prayed. My HCG levels dropped 36% down to 3482. The doctor said that this is just the trend he was hoping to see. I will get one more draw on Saturday, and if that shows a similar trend, I will end up getting weekly Friday draws until my values are negative once again. I'm hoping these continue to drop! No more surprises, please! Thank you!<br />
<br />
As far as the logistics of trying again, it takes about 4-6 weeks for the ectopic to reabsorb itself and I have to wait at least 2 cycles. Like I said before I have a 15% chance of having an ectopic now. A 1% of a repeat molar. And, like all women, a 25% chance of miscarrying. I can't remember math class, but I think I'd add all those together to get a 41% chance of screwiness. However, unlike 75% of most couples, I've consistently been lucky enough to get pregnant within my first 3 months of trying, so I can get more tries to fix it sooner, I guess (assuming it's not the 1%, in which case I'm waiting another whole year...). I always told people if I can beat 1/1000 I can beat X. Well, my new odd is 1/500,000. So, a 59% chance of conceiving a healthy pregnancy? No problem.<br />
<br />
I'm kinda bummed about the whole methotrexate in my system thing. I've tried for a year to get my body clean and ready to go to start trying again and now it's all dirty again. God is going to need to work some miracles, because I cannot logically prevent myself from dirtying it up when my pregnancies go sour. When your choices are die or take care of this pregnancy gone awry that will kill you, you do what you have to do. Hopefully 2 months is truly enough time to get this junk out of my system. Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.<br />
<br />
I'm excited to begin my Jillian workout again (I've been off it for a month) and hopefully get back on track. My work schedule is going back to days, so I am super bummed. I love having the mornings to get things done around the house, workout, drink coffee, listen to the birds, whatever. Maybe I should go to .5? Unfortunately, that's not gonna happen in my current work environment any time soon. Oh, well!<br />
<br />
<br />Jessica Kuckhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16328616299106347674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2210168448346832268.post-78291159191671284792012-03-14T11:34:00.000-05:002012-03-14T11:40:49.907-05:00Choosing to BelieveWhenever something crappy happens in life, it is very easy to get depressed about it--at least for me. I am not a person who is defaulted to optimism. I lean toward pessimism and cynicism and realism. But that is not an excuse to run on a loathing rampage because, at the end of the day, we all have a choice. No matter how our personality leans, we can choose to respond positively or negatively to the situations that happen in our life.<br />
<br />
I sit here today waiting to find out if my HCGs dropped at least 15% after a second shot of methotrexate or if I will need to have surgery tomorrow to remove what is left of my ectopic pregnancy. I really do not want surgery. It's scary. I also sit here thinking about the future. Do I want to try to get pregnant again after all of this hassle, all of this grief, all of this emotional roller coaster...again? The odds have not been in my favor so far, why would next time be any different? It's too scary to try again.<br />
<br />
While I was in the middle of my sulk fest, the lyrics to a song popped into my head. It is a hymn I sang in church as a little girl.<br />
<br />
<i>Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.</i><br />
<i>Because He lives, all fear is gone.</i><br />
<i>Because I know He holds the future.</i><br />
<i>And life is worth the living, just because he lives.</i><br />
<br />
Two years ago, I would have had some sarcastic come back to this. Something like, "Who cares that Jesus lives? Who cares about the future? It's not changing what is happening right now. I'm still experiencing crap." But I think the Holy Spirit has been working on my heart because it's making more sense to me now. My sister reminded me the other day: Even in the midst of the suffering we go through, we can praise and thank Him because He has overcome sin and death. There will be a day when this kind of stuff won't happen any more. Oh my gosh, I just thought of another song that talks about this:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vCpP0mFD9F0">Praise You In This Storm</a> - Casting Crowns (I don't typically recommend Casting Crowns because I find their songs all the same and annoying, so it is humorous that their song is coming to mind as an object lesson)<br />
<br />
Here is another one: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gtud5pvF08A">There Will Be a Day</a> - Jeremy Camp<br />
<br />
Here is the truth Revelation 19-22:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, <b>whose
rider is called Faithful and True.</b> With justice he judges and wages war. His eyes are like
blazing fire, and on his head are many crowns. He has a name written on
him that no one knows but he himself. <b>He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and his name is the Word of God.</b> The armies of heaven were following him, riding on white horses and dressed in fine linen, white and clean. Coming out of his mouth is a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations. “He will rule them with an iron scepter.”<sup> </sup>He treads the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God Almighty. <b>On his robe and on his thigh he has this name written: KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS..</b>. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>(It goes on to talk about how Jesus defeats Satan and how there is a judgement for all people)</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from
God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling
place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be
his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. <b>‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away</b>.”<br />
<br />
He who was seated on the throne said, <b>“I am making everything new!”</b>
Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and
true.”<br />
<br />
He said
to me: <b>“It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the
End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of
the water of life.Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children.</b> But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the
sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all
liars—they will be consigned to the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This
is the second death.” </blockquote>
This is faith: Believing all of this and believing that it matters right now, even when it doesn't feel like it matters or that it is not logically apparent to make a difference with the present circumstances.Jessica Kuckhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16328616299106347674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2210168448346832268.post-65084234427167031232012-03-12T00:11:00.001-05:002012-03-12T00:11:09.644-05:00One More ShotWell, the doctor decided to scrap the idea of getting a baseline draw and just had me come in today for another blood draw and see where the values fell. My values would have needed to be at most 5049 to meet the 15% drop. They came back at 5392. I was faced with the option of another shot of methotrexate or surgery. They seem to really push surgery but, I'm sorry, I don't want someone digging around in me unless absolutely necessary. So, I took the shot. Apparently they are not hopeful that this will be successful because they said their best guess was that I have a 20% chance that the second shot will work. However, the levels have started dropping, which is encouraging, so I will hope that they go down enough over the next three days. If they don't go down15% by Wednesday, surgery is unavoidable. They will not give me a third shot. More to come, I suppose!Jessica Kuckhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16328616299106347674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2210168448346832268.post-46790299513906494362012-03-10T06:10:00.000-06:002012-03-10T06:10:56.166-06:00Lab DramaMy latest drama has been that the lab screwed up my sample somehow for my last draw. I was drawn at 5pm Thursday evening and they ran it Friday morning. The values were 5950 but they had to cancel the test for some reason (sample age, whatever that means...someone left it out somewhere or forgot to send it?). So, I got redrawn Friday at 3:30 so that they could run the test again. Well, that sample must have gotten lost somewhere again because I still have not received the results back (it's been over 12 hours and the test is run continuously 24/7 in the lab).<br />
<br />
I'm trying not to freak out. This draw was supposed to be used as my baseline for determining if my levels were dropping enough or if I needed another shot. I'm not sure how they are going to do this if they don't have a proper baseline. I've already put the second draw out one day already...you'd think time is of the essence here! I spoke with the doctor yesterday and she seemed to think I was not out of the woods yet for the potential of a second shot. I'm just hoping that if I need it they will be able to give me the shot and not wait the 3 days between draws. I'm also more nervous that this is getting bigger and could rupture so I have to keep taking that thought captive. I'm also working 2-11pm this weekend and the rest of the coming week so that adds a little stress. Never a dull moment, I guess.<br />
<br />
Theme verse of the week:<br />
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and
petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble,
whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is
admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such
things. Whatever you
have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into
practice. And the God of peace will be with you.(Ephesians 4:4-9)<br />
<br />
Theme song of the week: <br />
"<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OA3MSqufJP4">No Matter What</a>" - Kerrie Roberts<br />
<br />
Please pray that I can just focus on the present instead of worrying about the future!Jessica Kuckhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16328616299106347674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2210168448346832268.post-15622503663343282072012-03-06T05:10:00.000-06:002012-03-06T05:10:27.800-06:00Round TwoWell, we found out two weeks ago that I was indeed pregnant. It was exciting, but, of course, there is always a caution because you never know what is going to happen. Within 3 days of finding out, I began to spot. This was obviously alarming to me because this was the same time period--between 5 and 6 weeks--that my molar pregnancy started revealing itself. After 3 days, I ended up calling and requesting a blood draw. The uncertainty of it all was mentally unbearable. My first result came back at 911. Two days later it was 1394. My molar levels were in the 9,000's by this point, so in my mind I ruled out molar pregnancy but knew I had 2 other hurdles standing in my way: Miscarriage or Ectopic Pregnancy.<br />
<br />
Based on the results and the fact that I was still bleeding, I went in for an ultrasound. It came back clean. What a relief! My uterus was practically empty. Now all we needed was a blood draw to confirm and I'd be good to go (as good as you can be with news of a miscarriage...but it could always be worse). Unfortunately, I missed the easy route. My blood levels raised more questions than answers because they'd increased to 2447. Two days later, there was another increase to 2965. This was not looking good. Miscarriage was looking more and more like ectopic. The doctor said the ultrasound wouldn't be worth it at this point and I proceeded to wait 4 more days for my next blood draw, hoping that something wouldn't burst inside me somewhere.<br />
<br />
My blood results came back Monday at 4376.
After speaking with the staff, I was told to come in and get and
ultrasound and meet with a doctor. The ultrasound came back positive for
an ectopic pregnancy. It was a 2.1 cm spot in my left fallopian tube on
the bend near the ovary (apparently most of them occur here). There was
no fetal pole and no heart beat, which was reassuring in some sense,
because your only options are either 1) wait it out and see if it takes
care of itself (if it doesn't, your tubes will rupture), 2) get a
methotrexate shot (chemotherapy drug that I had w/molar pregnancy...it
essentially inhibits cell growth), or 3) have it surgically removed.
Apparently I qualified for the methotrexate treatment because the mass
was small enough, I have not experienced any pain, and there was no sign
of a live fetus. So, that is what we did. I had the shot last night. We
are praying that the first shot takes care of the left over placental tissue that has still been growing. They will
potentially do one more, but if the second one doesn't work, it is off
to surgery. I have 2 blood draws scheduled, one Thursday and one Sunday.
There needs to be a 15% decline in the hormone levels between those two
days to confirm that the first shot is working.<br />
<br />
So here we go again. Round two. Not exactly what I was hoping for with my next pregnancy. I feel like 1 in 100,000 (odds of molar & ectopic...if you factor in complete molar it's 1 in 500,000). The last two weeks I've been grieving in various ways and in some ways I was still dealing with the grief from the molar. Until I have a healthy pregnancy, there is no way to get around the feelings of injustice and jealousy when I hear of others getting pregnant and having kids, but it's something I feel and let go in the moment; it is too ugly of an emotion to allow it to fester and settle in.<br />
<br />
Do I understand why this is happening? No. Do I like it? No. Do I trust that God will work this for good? Yes. Will He bring me through this? Yes. Is God still good? Yes.<br />
<br />
Please continue to pray:<br />
<ul>
<li>That this first methotrexate shot works according to plan.</li>
<li>That
my body can heal without too much scar tissue (I'm now at risk of
having another ectopic in the future because of this...15% chance).</li>
<li>For strength for Dave & I to deal with the emotions/stress of the situation in the midst of other stresses of work.</li>
<li>For a future healthy pregnancy at some point in the near future and the courage to try again.</li>
<li>For emotional/spiritual/mental healing through the grief.</li>
<li>For protection over our marriage from spiritual attack.</li>
</ul>
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, <span></span>to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.Jessica Kuckhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16328616299106347674noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2210168448346832268.post-29844921000627546062012-02-14T22:56:00.000-06:002012-02-15T07:43:05.860-06:00Christmas on Valentine's?<br />
Today is Valentine's Day. My husband and I had our first
date 8 years ago on this day. It's hard to believe we've been together that
long! We dated for 3-ish years and have been married almost 5. He made
me steaks tonight...and then we split up to do our own things. He worked on building a new computer and I watched a couple episodes of Battlestar Galactica on Netfilx. Romantic, I know! I also cleaned the bathroom and took down Christmas decorations.<br />
<br />
Yes, I actually made an effort to decorate for Christmas this year. I was so proud of myself that I couldn't bear to take them down and wanted to enjoy my efforts for a little longer. Now that I've finally taken down the decorations, everything looks so bare! At some point in my life I would like to actually make an effort to have a style to my home decorating. For now, it is pretty plain. I signed up for <a href="http://www.pinterest.com/">Pinterest</a> a few weeks ago, but haven't been able to take the time to look around. I hear there are lots of good ideas floating around there. My laptop that I use is 8 years old and needs reformatting badly. If I have too many tabs open in my browser or there are too many graphics on the page, my computer gets tired and doesn't know what to do. Then, I have to hard reboot and it takes 20 minutes to pull up the log-in screen. So, by that point I move on to something else because I get frustrated.Jessica Kuckhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16328616299106347674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2210168448346832268.post-84192291931916301832012-02-07T22:13:00.000-06:002012-02-07T22:13:10.028-06:00Weight Loss and ThermometersMy Jillian workouts have been paying off the last few weeks. Since my last weight post, I've really tried hard to have consistency in working out every day. I miss a couple days here and there, but overall I'm keeping with it. In the last three weeks I have lost 4.5 pounds putting me down to 173.0! That averages to about 1.5 pounds per week. I've been more conscientious about my diet as well, so I'm trying to really limit the snacks.<br />
<br />
My sister gave me a pair of her jeans. They are my "goal" pants. I'm hoping that if I lose 3 more pounds I can fit into them without having a muffin top. My legs, arms, neck, and chest have really trimmed down, but my abdominal area keeps holding on for dear life, especially my love handles. I'm trying to go walking during lunch break every once in awhile to help get more cardio in hopes that my abs will start to burn away.<br />
<br />
In other news, I've been tracking my BBT since my last period, but I swear my temperature is bi-polar. I see a bit of a trend, but it's really up and down.We'll see if my first month TTC with this method is successful. I'm hopeful for good news, but am okay with having to try again next month. It will happen when it's supposed to happen!Jessica Kuckhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16328616299106347674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2210168448346832268.post-24186963305089687032012-01-21T23:20:00.000-06:002012-01-21T23:20:07.584-06:00Infertile Women of the Bible: Sarah's StoryI was riding in the car this past week and started thinking about how the Bible has stories of different women who struggled with infertility. In biblical times barrenness was a social stigma. I decided to do some reading to see how they dealt with it and maybe gain some perspective. <br />
<br />
The first woman I think of is Sarah. Her story is found in Genesis chapters 15-18 and 21. Sarah was married to Abraham, who is the father of both the Islamic and Jewish nations. The story begins with God telling an 80-something year old Abraham that he was going to be the father of many nations. Up until this point he had had no children and was already planning on passing on his estate to one of his servants. Instead of responding with, "God, you're nuts! I'm 80-something", he believed and trusted that somehow God would make it happen.<br />
<br />
Now, the Bible doesn't explicitly mention anything about Abraham sharing this information with Sarah, but I can imagine he may have told her what God had said based on her reaction in chapter 16. She heard that God had promised her husband would be the father of many nations, but realized that in her early 70's things just weren't happening for her anymore. She decided to take matters into her own hands. Perhaps instead of the nations coming through her womb, God meant that they would come through the womb of her maidservant Hagar.<br />
<br />
Sarah asked her husband to sleep with Hagar, and he agreed. Hagar got pregnant and bore a child when Abraham was 86 (Sarah was 76). Now, this blows my mind. Why would Abraham do this? I can imagine some time had passed between when God had promised Abraham children and that perhaps he thought to himself, "This is a socially acceptable way to get an heir. Maybe this is how God's promise will be fulfilled," and just went along with it. But why would Sarah do this? It's bad enough to live childless with your husband, but then to have to deal with another woman having your husband's baby? Bad idea, sister! She was definitely acting out of desperation and it back-fired on her resulting in heartache and jealousy.<br />
<br />
Fourteen years later, God spoke to Abraham again reiterating the same promise, but this time calling out Sarah as the woman who would give birth to this child. He was 100 and she was 90. This time, she overheard the conversation and contrary to Abraham's faith, she was skeptical and laughed at the idea. Nevertheless, God kept his promise and that year Sarah conceived and gave birth to her son Isaac (which means "he laughs"). She's quoted as saying this at his birth, "God has made laughter for me; everyone who hears will laugh with me. Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? Yet I have born him a son in his old age."<br />
<br />
There are a couple things I take away from this story:<br />
<ul>
<li><b>Trust God.</b> God hasn't promised me I'll be the mother of many nations, but He has placed within me the desire to have children. I can trust that if this is what God has planned for my life, he will accomplish it. If he can do it for a 90 year old, he can do it for a 28 year old. This is faith. (Can you imagine a 90 year old woman in labor? Crazy!!)</li>
<li><b>Wait on God's timing.</b> It took 15-20 years for God's promise to be fulfilled to Abraham and Sarah. Why did He wait so long? I don't know, but it specifically says that God did it "at the appointed time." I've been waiting five years and am not sure how much longer I'll be waiting. But no matter what I do (tracking BBT & cervical mucus, ovulation kits) or how hard I try (having sex as much as possible), I will not get pregnant until God wants it to happen. I can rest in knowing He's working on it.</li>
</ul>Jessica Kuckhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16328616299106347674noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2210168448346832268.post-72180058328818066122012-01-16T18:42:00.001-06:002012-01-16T18:42:43.755-06:00177.5 and Counting (Down)My doctor recommended that I lose some weight so that I'd be at a healthier weight once I get pregnant. So, one of my goals during this waiting period has been to lose 20 pounds. My methods thus far have been schizophrenic at best, but there has been gradual progress. I started at about 185 with a body mass index (BMI) of 26.2. That officially classifies me as "overweight." I am proud to say I am now 177.5 with a BMI of 25.1, just two tenths of a point away from "normal" weight! My goal is 165, which BMI-wise is still well above the low end of normal. I have not been that low since Sophomore year of high school. I played basketball back then, now I play on the computer all day, so we'll see how feasible this is.<br />
<br />
Now, I technically started consciously making an effort for weight-loss back in November. At that rate, I'm on average about 3 pounds a month (though, technically, I lost most of the weight in November and have just kept it off the last month and a half). If I keep that up, we're looking at goal weight sometime in May. I'm hoping I can speed it up a little more than that. But, I'm not just looking for a quick fix, I'm looking for a lifestyle change. Working 40+ hours a week doesn't lend itself to lots of free time or energy. Plus, the lazy in me is very easily convinced. Mind over matter.<br />
<br />
How does one lose 7.5 pounds over the holiday season? I don't really know, but I'll tell you what I've been dabbling in that seems to have worked at least a little. Per doctor's orders, I read <a href="http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/mayo-clinic-diet/my01646">The Mayo Clinic Diet</a>. Considering I work at Mayo and was treated there, I figured Mayo has a pretty good track record in my life, so it was worth a try. Now, obviously I have not been following this religiously or I would have lost a lot more weight by now. But, I have been using some of its principles as a guideline, which have proven to be at least somewhat successful. In some studies, molar pregnancy has been <a href="http://www.ajog.org/medline/record/ivp_00029378_158_93">linked to diet</a>, so it has been a bigger motivator for me to be better at what I put in my body.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;">A lot of my maintained success I believe is due to the first suggestion in the book:</span><b> </b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Add 5 Habits</b></span><br />
<b>1. Eat a healthy breakfast (but not too much)</b> - This one I have tried very hard to do consistently, but is still a challenge for me. What it comes down to is if I can't eat before I leave for work, I have to eat it as soon as I get there, otherwise I lose track of time and run around in meetings and it never happens. My favorite breakfast which I eat almost every morning is <a href="http://www.simplebites.net/eat-well-spend-less-back-to-school-breakfast-recipe-baked-oatmeal/?doing_wp_cron=1326683374">Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal Bake</a>. My sister introduced this recipe to me and I love it! It is healthy (whole grains/fiber/fruit), easy to pack up in the morning, and I can bake a batch that lasts all week. I actually made up a dry ingredient gift jar of this stuff for some gals at work because I love it so much and wanted to share it. I add 1/8 cup of whole flax seed in addition to 1/8 cup wheat germ (one of the best sources of folic acid which helps prevent neural-tube birth defects) to be even healthier. I also use honey crisp apples. They really have the best flavor I've found.<br />
<br />
<b>2. Eat vegetables and fruits (4+ servings veg, 3+ servings fruit)</b> - I can master the fruit one of this easy. I love fruit. My favorites to pack with me for work are bananas and those Cuties (I finally broke and started buying them even though I think they're too expensive. They are great for snacks). Vegetables are not so easy. Sometimes it's just the veggies on my frozen pizza. But I have started stocking some fresh veggies like carrots, celery, and cucumbers in the fridge since those are easy to snack on. I've also stopped buying so many canned vegetables and switched to frozen and we'll eat those as sides every once in awhile. Otherwise, <a href="http://www.birdseye.com/vegetable-products/voila">Voila</a> has been my dinner saver many a night, taking the place of hamburger helper. They have lots of veggies, so in my mind it is a quick and healthy option.<br />
<br />
<b>3. Eat whole grains</b> - In addition to the oatmeal bake, I've started buying whole grain sandwich bread. My husband has been surprisingly supportive in this and has started eating it too. My favorite bread right now is <a href="http://www.arnoldbread.com/Our-Products/Breads/Whole-Grains/Health-Nut.aspx">Health Nut</a>. I also received a rice cooker for Christmas, so I plan on making more dishes with brown rice as a side. Before, my rice never turned out, but ever since getting a rice cooker, it's been perfect every time. It's super easy and easy cleanup. I love my rice cooker!<br />
<br />
<b>4. Eat healthy fats</b> - I'm not good at this one. We don't keep a lot of nuts in the house (I would be the only one eating them). And when I'm cooking I switch between the healthy olive oil and the condemned butter. Sometimes you just need the flavor of butter.<br />
<br />
<b>5. Move! (30+ min of exercise every day)</b> - Ok, I go back and forth with this one. I hate throwing out the "I work full time" card, but I really think this contributes to my lack of success. My schedule has a lot to do with it. Two months ago, I was working 2-11. That is the best shift in the whole world when it comes to getting things done in the day. I woke up, ate breakfast, worked out, cleaned the house, went to work, and then went to sleep. It was amazing! Now, I'm back on my regular schedule which is: Wake up, go to work, eat breakfast right before lunch, work all day, come home tired, and don't do anything for the rest of the night. I do enjoy exercising once I actually do it. My first go-to is <a href="http://jillianmichaels.shop.sportstoday.com/Product.aspx?pc=JIAM13">Jillian Michael's 30-day Shred</a> DVD. I love the 3-2-1 interval training system. There are 3 workouts on the video which help add variety, but you have to work up to them. I also jump rope in my garage. Jump roping is hard, but I've finally worked up a little more endurance. I picked jump roping because of the different <a href="http://singlemindedwomen.com/womens-health/the-benefits-of-jumping-rope/">benefits</a>. I also like pilates for the benefits to the core and flexibility. I figured these would be good things to have in shape before having a baby. I'm not sure how easily I will bounce back, so if I can help give myself better chances, I'm willing to try.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;">A lot of my delayed success I believe is due to failure to heed the second suggestion in the book:</span><b> </b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Break 5 Habits</b></span><br />
<b>1. No TV while eating (and only as much TV as you spend exercising)</b> - According to this rule, I have at least 2 hours of exercising to do each day. My husband and I watch a lot of Netflix, so I'm not ready to let this one go yet, but I do believe it would make a difference.<br />
<br />
<b>2. No sugar</b> - I can't realistically make this work without being rude to people. At least once a week I go to a Bible study where someone makes a sweet treat, so this rule gets broken because I'm not going to not eat something someone made. I also have a weakness for Starburst, sour Skittles, and sour gummies. I believe the sugar should be in moderation and I tried extra hard over the holidays to be mindful of this, which is why I didn't over-do it this year.<b> </b><br />
<br />
<b>3. No snacks (except fruits & veggies)</b> - I've been succumbing to this one lately, though I do try to be good and just eat the fruits & veggies. Sometimes I just can't resist the Cheezits.<br />
<br />
<b>4. Moderate meat & low-fat dairy</b> - I'm pretty good with meat moderation but the dairy is harder for me. I love cheese. I try to buy 1% (my husband doesn't like water...I mean skim) and I get low-fat sour cream. Otherwise, my dairy is as pure as it comes.<br />
<br />
<b>5. No eating at restaurants </b>- I've been trying to do this one more anyway because it is good for the budget. but there are nights where we have to be somewhere and it's just easier to grab something fast food. We also try to do at least one date night a month, which typically ends up being a sit-down restaurant. I can't be a purist with this one at this point.Jessica Kuckhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16328616299106347674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2210168448346832268.post-27670397414226229592012-01-14T10:16:00.000-06:002012-01-14T10:16:00.798-06:00TransitionsI created this blog to express the thoughts and feelings running through me at a time that was very sad and scary. Originally it had been story form in the third person, which was a good creative outlet for me. I still have things to say from time to time, but will now do so in first person and in more plain language.<br />
<br />
That being said, you may have noticed my absence on this blog over the past year. This was primarily due to lack of drama. There are not many ways that you can say, "I had my blood drawn, and it was negative." or "Yep. Still waiting." Secondly, I had been putting in many extra hours at work and lacked energy or brain power to do much else after coming home. Thirdly, I needed time to move on, and writing on this blog proved to be more of a reminder than a relief after awhile.<br />
<br />
As of December 16, 2011 it has been a year since my last chemo, which means I'm officially cleared to start trying to conceive again. I actually got the okay in November, but they told me they wouldn't care if I ended up getting pregnant between then and my December draw. Apparently they really didn't care because I never went back in December since they never scheduled anything.<br />
<br />
We have begun trying again, unsuccessfully thus far. At times, waiting 2-3 weeks to know if I'm pregnant seems to be more mentally trying than actually waiting a year to start trying! The first month TTC I was consumed with worry (What if this molar thing happens again?) and constant self analyzing (I'm feeling ___. I wonder if I'm pregnant?). It didn't help that I had not been tracking my periods prior to that and so I had no idea if I had actually missed my period or if it just wasn't here yet. I decided after that experience of mental anguish that I should do my brain a favor and start marking the calendar.<br />
<br />
The second month TTC wasn't too bad, though nothing came of it. The week I was supposed to be ovulating was also the week that my sister
had her baby. Considering I was going up to help her for a few days and
would be away from my husband, I think I weakened my odds a little bit. I was a lot better mentally, though. I have been practicing a lot more self control when it comes to reading baby articles online and wondering what is going on inside my body. I think when you want something so bad, there's temptation to have it consume so much of your time, energy, and thought life. I know I can get carried away.<br />
<br />
Getting my period is good, in a way, because I have my answer, but it's also disappointing and I think I've cried each time I've realized it has come so far. I just want to start a family. I try not to get too discouraged that I'm not pregnant yet. I know that it takes time. However, the women in my family are very fertile and so at times I have to fight comparing myself to them or falling short of my personal expectations. Both of my sisters have expressed how they have their period once and then get pregnant. I'm one of seven kids, so I'd have to think that my mother is also quite fertile (she gave birth from age 23 through 43).<br />
<br />
Something that I think has gotten more disheartening over time is seeing women I know get pregnant and give birth during my "waiting" period. I wonder why it was so easy for them to conceive (or so it seems; I don't know everyone's pregnancy story) and why they can enjoy the naive experience of pregnancy/childbirth vs the having to combat the "gloom-and-doom-knowing-what-can-go-wrong" experience. I do have to be careful on facebook because the pictures and announcements are painful to see at times. Another interesting tidbit of my whole experience is that my younger sister gave birth three months prior to my husband and I TTC the first time. Then when I got pregnant, I found out that my older sister was also pregnant. I had the molar, but she had a healthy pregnancy. Then, after my older sister had her baby, my younger sister got pregnant again and had another one. A lot can happen in a year and a half.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I find this whole situation ironic. I am a person who plans and controls things very well. I am also not always the most patient. So, I am experiencing something that really is out of my control no matter how much I try to plan. I also have to wait a lot. When I'm finally in my right mind, I go back to the fact that God is in control. He's brought me through lots of things in my life and He will bring me through this. I don't always give my feelings/fears to God, and that results in a lot of heartache. What I've been really trying to practice the last few weeks is to keep my mind filled with the truth of the Word so that I can combat the negativity that so easily creeps into my mind. This verse comes to mind a lot:<br />
<br />
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7<br />
<br />
Here's another good one that I just thought of:<br />
<br />
"Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:14-16<br />
<br />
For those of you going through this, whatever the stage, I pray that you would continue to confidently seek after Jesus in your time of need. He is well acquainted with grief and sorrow. Tell Him what is on your heart and rest in His peace.Jessica Kuckhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16328616299106347674noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2210168448346832268.post-51254521653517620802011-10-11T22:05:00.000-05:002012-04-07T12:12:18.044-05:00Part 37: Frustration<i>What in the world</i>, the woman thought. She held in her hand a letter from the doctor's office that read:<br />
<br />
<blockquote>
We're so sorry you missed your scheduled appointment. Please call us back any time to reschedule.</blockquote>
<br />
Being late to an appointment was not unrealistic for the woman, but completely blowing off a commitment was not part of her personality profile. She was puzzled. The last conversation she had with the office left off with the nurse stating she would put a note in the woman's file requesting the doctor to give her a call about the next steps of her treatment. There was no talk about scheduling an appointment.<br />
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Emotionally charged, she called the doctor's office. The attendant on the other line took her through the rigamarole checking address and contact information. After reassuring the woman she would not be penalized for missing her appointment, she scheduled an another one two weeks out.<br />
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It had been awhile since the woman had gone into the office, but all was as she last remembered. While sitting alone in her room, she reflected on the past few months. She had been waiting anxiously to talk to her doctor so that she could start planning her life again. A noise outside the door brought her back to reality. The door began to open, and just as the woman was preparing to welcome her doctor, disappointment came over her. The woman at the door was not her doctor, but one of the young residents.<br />
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"So, how are you doing?" the resident began. "You're thinking about wanting to start trying again in September, right?"<br />
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"That's the last I knew," answered the woman.<br />
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"Ok. Well, let's get started on your pelvic exam," continued the resident.<br />
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"Excuse me?" the woman questioned in surprise.<br />
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"The doctor wanted me to do a full examination."<br />
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Considering the woman's last five appointments included sitting on a bench talking to her doctor, she expected nothing different from this appointment. A pelvic exam, however, was a different story. Typically, these require some advanced preparation, including mental readiness and shaving! Frustrated, the woman replied, "Is this really necessary?"<br />
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"Well, I can go back and talk to her and see what she wants to do," the resident said and left the room.<br />
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Eventually, the woman's real doctor entered the room and they started talking. For some reason, she and her doctor always had very frank conversations.<br />
<br />
"Well, when I came in, I was not under the impression that I would have to be taking my pants off today," said the woman.<br />
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"You're due for a pap smear and thought we do a full exam," replied the doctor.<br />
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<i>Nice of someone to warn me</i>, the woman thought. "Well, if this is something that needs to be done," the woman began, "we might as well do it now. I'm just telling you, it's not going to be pretty down there."<br />
<br />
The rest of the appointment was as depressing as the first half. Not only did she have to live through an unexpected exam, but she had to come to grips with the fact that trying to conceive starting in September was no longer an option. Due to the fact that complete molar pregnancy patients are higher risk, her doctor wanted her to follow the treatment by the book and wait the full year. <i>I've waiting this long</i>, she thought to herself. <i>I guess I can wait a little longer</i>.Jessica Kuckhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16328616299106347674noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2210168448346832268.post-78436168592610694292011-06-26T15:36:00.001-05:002012-04-07T12:12:37.805-05:00Part 36: Day of RemebranceThe months went on and life seemed as it was before her molar pregnancy. By now, there were days when she didn't think even about it, which to her was somewhat refreshing. But she couldn't escape it completely. She continued to be monitored monthly via HCG blood testing and every once in awhile she would receive mother-to-be items in the mail. The most recent had been a box of formula. <i>Guess I won't be needing that any time soon</i>, she thought.<br />
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Haunting the back of her mind was her soon approaching former due date. What was she going to feel? How was she going to react? When the day finally came, it was somewhat serendipitous. Of all the days, it just so happened to occur over the weekend of her brother-in-law's wedding. She could stay preoccupied with all the wedding prep and family time, in spite of the personal underlying weight of the weekend.<br />
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The woman and her husband stayed with his family at a cabin in an area resort. The night before the wedding, the owners of the place, a husband/wife team and friends of her in-laws, stopped by for a visit. She was most impressed by the wife. The 59-year-old hostess had been diagnosed with stage four breast cancer a little over a year prior to their meeting, yet nothing but joy and laughter emanated from her lips. The woman listened intently to the cabin hostess seated in the cushioned rocker beside her who wore an infectious smile that complimented the blue and green scarf covering her chemo-stricken head. Below her right shoulder lived a permanent port by which her chemo treatments were dispersed. She would be on chemo for the rest of her life.<br />
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The woman's eyes filled with tears as she listened to the stories of hope and peace flowing out of this dying woman. She was granted yet another fresh perspective on her situation. Upon her reflection, she thought how fortunate and thankful she was that her molar pregnancy had not turned into cancer. Things were definitely not her ideal at the moment, but they most definitely could be so much worse, and if this cancer-stricken lady could live out what life she had left with such intention and joy, how much more so could the woman?<br />
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When the busyness of the weekend died down and the woman had time to think, she allowed herself to mourn once again. But it was a hopeful mourning. She was three months negative and had three more to go before being officially declared molar pregnancy free. It was crazy to think about how much time had passed, how far she had come. Sometimes she wavered with the thought of getting pregnant again. <i>Who in their right mind would want to live through this again?</i>, she thought. But the idea of having a little life of her own some day overruled her fears.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Thank you, <a href="http://brainerddispatch.com/obituary/2011-05-03/judy-lykins">Judy</a>, for your inspiration and example.</span>Jessica Kuckhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16328616299106347674noreply@blogger.com1