Round Two

Well, we found out two weeks ago that I was indeed pregnant. It was exciting, but, of course, there is always a caution because you never know what is going to happen. Within 3 days of finding out, I began to spot. This was obviously alarming to me because this was the same time period--between 5 and 6 weeks--that my molar pregnancy started revealing itself. After 3 days, I ended up calling and requesting a blood draw. The uncertainty of it all was mentally unbearable. My first result came back at 911. Two days later it was 1394. My molar levels were in the 9,000's by this point, so in my mind I ruled out molar pregnancy but knew I had 2 other hurdles standing in my way: Miscarriage or Ectopic Pregnancy.

Based on the results and the fact that I was still bleeding, I went in for an ultrasound. It came back clean. What a relief! My uterus was practically empty. Now all we needed was a blood draw to confirm and I'd be good to go (as good as you can be with news of a miscarriage...but it could always be worse). Unfortunately, I missed the easy route. My blood levels raised more questions than answers because they'd increased to 2447. Two days later, there was another increase to 2965. This was not looking good. Miscarriage was looking more and more like ectopic. The doctor said the ultrasound wouldn't be worth it at this point and I proceeded to wait 4 more days for my next blood draw, hoping that something wouldn't burst inside me somewhere.

My blood results came back Monday at 4376. After speaking with the staff, I was told to come in and get and ultrasound and meet with a doctor. The ultrasound came back positive for an ectopic pregnancy. It was a 2.1 cm spot in my left fallopian tube on the bend near the ovary (apparently most of them occur here). There was no fetal pole and no heart beat, which was reassuring in some sense, because your only options are either 1) wait it out and see if it takes care of itself (if it doesn't, your tubes will rupture), 2) get a methotrexate shot (chemotherapy drug that I had w/molar pregnancy...it essentially inhibits cell growth), or 3) have it surgically removed. Apparently I qualified for the methotrexate treatment because the mass was small enough, I have not experienced any pain, and there was no sign of a live fetus. So, that is what we did. I had the shot last night. We are praying that the first shot takes care of the left over placental tissue that has still been growing. They will potentially do one more, but if the second one doesn't work, it is off to surgery. I have 2 blood draws scheduled, one Thursday and one Sunday. There needs to be a 15% decline in the hormone levels between those two days to confirm that the first shot is working.

So here we go again. Round two. Not exactly what I was hoping for with my next pregnancy. I feel like 1 in 100,000 (odds of molar & ectopic...if you factor in complete molar it's 1 in 500,000). The last two weeks I've been grieving in various ways and in some ways I was still dealing with the grief from the molar. Until I have a healthy pregnancy, there is no way to get around the feelings of injustice and jealousy when I hear of others getting pregnant and having kids, but it's something I feel and let go in the moment; it is too ugly of an emotion to allow it to fester and settle in.

Do I understand why this is happening? No. Do I like it? No. Do I trust that God will work this for good? Yes. Will He bring me through this? Yes. Is God still good? Yes.

Please continue to pray:

• That this first methotrexate shot works according to plan.
• That my body can heal without too much scar tissue (I'm now at risk of having another ectopic in the future because of this...15% chance).
• For strength for Dave & I to deal with the emotions/stress of the situation in the midst of other stresses of work.
• For a future healthy pregnancy at some point in the near future and the courage to try again.
• For emotional/spiritual/mental healing through the grief.
• For protection over our marriage from spiritual attack.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Christmas on Valentine's?

Today is Valentine's Day. My husband and I had our first date 8 years ago on this day. It's hard to believe we've been together that long! We dated for 3-ish years and have been married almost 5. He made me steaks tonight...and then we split up to do our own things. He worked on building a new computer and I watched a couple episodes of Battlestar Galactica on Netfilx. Romantic, I know! I also cleaned the bathroom and took down Christmas decorations.

Yes, I actually made an effort to decorate for Christmas this year. I was so proud of myself that I couldn't bear to take them down and wanted to enjoy my efforts for a little longer. Now that I've finally taken down the decorations, everything looks so bare! At some point in my life I would like to actually make an effort to have a style to my home decorating. For now, it is pretty plain. I signed up for Pinterest a few weeks ago, but haven't been able to take the time to look around. I hear there are lots of good ideas floating around there. My laptop that I use is 8 years old and needs reformatting badly. If I have too many tabs open in my browser or there are too many graphics on the page, my computer gets tired and doesn't know what to do. Then, I have to hard reboot and it takes 20 minutes to pull up the log-in screen. So, by that point I move on to something else because I get frustrated.

Weight Loss and Thermometers

My Jillian workouts have been paying off the last few weeks. Since my last weight post, I've really tried hard to have consistency in working out every day. I miss a couple days here and there, but overall I'm keeping with it. In the last three weeks I have lost 4.5 pounds putting me down to 173.0! That averages to about 1.5 pounds per week. I've been more conscientious about my diet as well, so I'm trying to really limit the snacks.

My sister gave me a pair of her jeans. They are my "goal" pants. I'm hoping that if I lose 3 more pounds I can fit into them without having a muffin top. My legs, arms, neck, and chest have really trimmed down, but my abdominal area keeps holding on for dear life, especially my love handles. I'm trying to go walking during lunch break every once in awhile to help get more cardio in hopes that my abs will start to burn away.

In other news, I've been tracking my BBT since my last period, but I swear my temperature is bi-polar. I see a bit of a trend, but it's really up and down.We'll see if my first month TTC with this method is successful. I'm hopeful for good news, but am okay with having to try again next month. It will happen when it's supposed to happen!

Infertile Women of the Bible: Sarah's Story

I was riding in the car this past week and started thinking about how the Bible has stories of different women who struggled with infertility. In biblical times barrenness was a social stigma. I decided to do some reading to see how they dealt with it and maybe gain some perspective.

The first woman I think of is Sarah. Her story is found in Genesis chapters 15-18 and 21. Sarah was married to Abraham, who is the father of both the Islamic and Jewish nations. The story begins with God telling an 80-something year old Abraham that he was going to be the father of many nations. Up until this point he had had no children and was already planning on passing on his estate to one of his servants. Instead of responding with, "God, you're nuts! I'm 80-something", he believed and trusted that somehow God would make it happen.

Now, the Bible doesn't explicitly mention anything about Abraham sharing this information with Sarah, but I can imagine he may have told her what God had said based on her reaction in chapter 16. She heard that God had promised her husband would be the father of many nations, but realized that in her early 70's things just weren't happening for her anymore. She decided to take matters into her own hands. Perhaps instead of the nations coming through her womb, God meant that they would come through the womb of her maidservant Hagar.

Sarah asked her husband to sleep with Hagar, and he agreed. Hagar got pregnant and bore a child when Abraham was 86 (Sarah was 76). Now, this blows my mind. Why would Abraham do this? I can imagine some time had passed between when God had promised Abraham children and that perhaps he thought to himself, "This is a socially acceptable way to get an heir. Maybe this is how God's promise will be fulfilled," and just went along with it. But why would Sarah do this? It's bad enough to live childless with your husband, but then to have to deal with another woman having your husband's baby? Bad idea, sister! She was definitely acting out of desperation and it back-fired on her resulting in heartache and jealousy.

Fourteen years later, God spoke to Abraham again reiterating the same promise, but this time calling out Sarah as the woman who would give birth to this child. He was 100 and she was 90. This time, she overheard the conversation and contrary to Abraham's faith, she was skeptical and laughed at the idea. Nevertheless, God kept his promise and that year Sarah conceived and gave birth to her son Isaac (which means "he laughs"). She's quoted as saying this at his birth, "God has made laughter for me; everyone who hears will laugh with me. Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? Yet I have born him a son in his old age."

There are a couple things I take away from this story:

• Trust God. God hasn't promised me I'll be the mother of many nations, but He has placed within me the desire to have children. I can trust that if this is what God has planned for my life, he will accomplish it. If he can do it for a 90 year old, he can do it for a 28 year old. This is faith. (Can you imagine a 90 year old woman in labor? Crazy!!)
• Wait on God's timing. It took 15-20 years for God's promise to be fulfilled to Abraham and Sarah. Why did He wait so long? I don't know, but it specifically says that God did it "at the appointed time." I've been waiting five years and am not sure how much longer I'll be waiting. But no matter what I do (tracking BBT & cervical mucus, ovulation kits) or how hard I try (having sex as much as possible), I will not get pregnant until God wants it to happen. I can rest in knowing He's working on it.