Monday, September 3, 2012

O, How the Years Go By

When nothing in your life ever really changes, time stands still. It's only when you think about what has transpired over the years that you can actually notice a difference.

Recently, I've been dealing with the reality of time passing as one by one, women in my life are announcing their second pregnancies or having their second child, all while I am still childless and pregnant-less. It's a situation I have mentally played out in my mind over and over, thinking through scenarios of the significant child-bearing-age women in my life announcing, yet again, that they are expecting. They never happen as I anticipate, but nevertheless I'm still faced with having to react to the news, usually on the fly.

It's an odd combination of emotions--sadness, joy, numbness, regret, self-pity. I would not wish this situation on anyone.

Most people are clueless when it comes to being sensitive to women who are struggling to become pregnant. I can understand. I used to be one of them, and I still am in some regards. But, that is why I make sure to help educate others when the opportunity arises.

For example, I'm at my sister's wedding surrounded by lots of little children, when someone comes up and asks me, "So, when are you going to pop one out?" In these moments, lots of responses run through my head, stemming from both logic and emotion, like: "Do I go into the whole mess of trying to explain all of my history behind my current childless state?" to "I think I want to punch you in the face." I didn't want to be rude, but also wanted this person to understand things aren't always that easy, so I opted for saying something more widely understood rather than getting into the actual details. As concise and matter-of-fact as possible, I responded: "Well, once my body stops having miscarriages, maybe I'll finally pop one out." The person was very apologetic afterwards, which wasn't my intent. I just hope she will think twice before asking someone who has been married an extended period of time and doesn't have any kids when they plan on having children.

Overcoming the fear of having another screwed up pregnancy to try month after month only to be met with nothing is trying. It's a daily battle to remain positive and teachable. Recent advice given to is that I may be suffering in this way, but there are others suffering in other ways. It is true. Each of us is suffering in some way. Likewise, I am blessed in ways that others are not blessed. So, I am focusing on keeping my mind filled with truth and caring about others so that I am not tempted to wallow in my self and self-pity (it is not a pretty place at times).

Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him.