I sit here today waiting to find out if my HCGs dropped at least 15% after a second shot of methotrexate or if I will need to have surgery tomorrow to remove what is left of my ectopic pregnancy. I really do not want surgery. It's scary. I also sit here thinking about the future. Do I want to try to get pregnant again after all of this hassle, all of this grief, all of this emotional roller coaster...again? The odds have not been in my favor so far, why would next time be any different? It's too scary to try again.
While I was in the middle of my sulk fest, the lyrics to a song popped into my head. It is a hymn I sang in church as a little girl.
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, all fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future.
And life is worth the living, just because he lives.
Two years ago, I would have had some sarcastic come back to this. Something like, "Who cares that Jesus lives? Who cares about the future? It's not changing what is happening right now. I'm still experiencing crap." But I think the Holy Spirit has been working on my heart because it's making more sense to me now. My sister reminded me the other day: Even in the midst of the suffering we go through, we can praise and thank Him because He has overcome sin and death. There will be a day when this kind of stuff won't happen any more. Oh my gosh, I just thought of another song that talks about this:
Praise You In This Storm - Casting Crowns (I don't typically recommend Casting Crowns because I find their songs all the same and annoying, so it is humorous that their song is coming to mind as an object lesson)
Here is another one: There Will Be a Day - Jeremy Camp
Here is the truth Revelation 19-22:
I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True. With justice he judges and wages war. His eyes are like blazing fire, and on his head are many crowns. He has a name written on him that no one knows but he himself. He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and his name is the Word of God. The armies of heaven were following him, riding on white horses and dressed in fine linen, white and clean. Coming out of his mouth is a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations. “He will rule them with an iron scepter.” He treads the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God Almighty. On his robe and on his thigh he has this name written: KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS...
(It goes on to talk about how Jesus defeats Satan and how there is a judgement for all people)
Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”This is faith: Believing all of this and believing that it matters right now, even when it doesn't feel like it matters or that it is not logically apparent to make a difference with the present circumstances.
He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life.Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children. But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars—they will be consigned to the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death.”