Part 11: Conversation with God

“What are you doing, God? How could you let this happen? And why me? There are so many women with unwanted pregnancies, but I wanted this, Lord! You know I want to be a mother! I have been waiting so long to start trying for a family and now I’m going to have to wait an indefinite amount of time longer! I have been planning and preparing as much as I possibly could for the last 3 1/2 years!”

My dear child, in your heart you plan your course, but I determine your steps.

“Well, my course was a pretty good one, God. We paid off all our debts but the house. I stopped taking birth control for six months to make sure there wouldn’t be any interference when we started trying. My husband finally came around without me nagging, which was nothing short of a miracle, and after three months of trying we finally got pregnant. We were all set. Our basement would be all finished by the time the baby arrived. Nine months and it would have been fine. But, no. You took it all away before anything even began. From the very moment of conception this was hosed and You knew this would happen before I was even born! Thanks for the warning!”

I love you, my child. I know the plans I have for you—plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. I cause everything to work together for good. In time, you will see.

“Well, it certainly doesn’t feel very hopeful right now. And logically I don’t see anything good about the fact that this whole thing keeps getting worse and worse. I could handle a miscarriage. I could handle getting surgery. But I can’t handle this never ending unknown of what is going on inside my body. I have absolutely no control over this. It’s just too much!”

Without Me, you can do nothing, my child. Come to me. You are weary and carry heavy burdens. Give Me your burdens. I will take care of you and give you rest.

“I’m scared, Lord. What if this gets even worse? What if these cells are spreading? What if I get cancer? What if I can never conceive again?”

Be strong, my child. Do not be afraid or discouraged. I am with you. Do not worry. Come to Me with your needs and My peace which exceeds anything you can understand will guard your heart and mind as you live in Christ Jesus. I will never leave you nor forsake you. Trust in Me.

“I'm sorry, Lord. I know You care. I know You love me. I believe You’re in control and that You will take care of me through all of this. Forgive me for my unbelief. Even though I cannot see exactly what You’re doing and I certainly don’t understand it all, I will trust You, Lord. Please give me faith to trust You more. Take my worries, my cares, and my life. Use it for Your glory. I need You so much. ”

Part 5: Nothing

Day one: nothing.

Day two: nothing.

Day three: nothing.

“It’s okay to go now, little one,” the woman said aloud to her stomach. “I understand. We will see you again someday.” With a quiver in her voice she sang the baby’s first and last lullaby:

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby.

You were growing, what happened dear?

You disappeared on us baby…baby.

Heaven will hold you before we do

Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…

Until we’re home with you…

Week one: nothing.

The doctor said two weeks. I guess I’ll wait a little longer, the woman thought.

By this point she began experiencing more distinct pregnancy symptoms. Brushing her teeth in the morning became pointless because each time she finished up, the toothpaste would make her gag, initiating an instantaneous reaction. She was grateful the toilet was only two feet away. Her body also got into the “after work” rhythm, forcing her to run to the bathroom as soon as she pulled into the garage. One time driving home, it came a little early. Thankfully a cup from a fast food drink sat empty in one of her cup holders.

Week two: nothing.

I’m still bleeding so I’ll just wait a little bit longer, she thought to herself. Perhaps it will finally happen this week.

After three weeks of nothing, the woman was finally convinced that nothing was happening. “There must be something still in there if I keep experiencing this morning sickness,” she said to her husband. “Maybe we do have a baby after all.”

“I don’t know what else could explain all this,” the husband replied.

For the first time in five weeks she worked up the courage to go back to the pregnancy website tracker to see how far along she was: eleven weeks. According to the article, she would soon be out of her first trimester and the morning sickness would soon subside. She scheduled another appointment and a glimmer of hope stirred in the back of their minds.

Part 2: Puzzles

“What do you mean I puzzle you?” the woman asked, cold and uncomfortable on the exam table. She was six weeks along and had been bleeding slightly over the last three days. The prior five minutes of poking and prodding amidst silence was bad enough, but “You puzzle me” being the first statement out of the ultrasound technician’s mouth did not offer any reassurance.

The technician responded, “I’m not seeing anything that resembles a fetal sac. This does not look normal,” and she left the room to get a second opinion from a doctor.

Humming from the ultrasound equipment resonated through the room while disbelief resonated in the hearts of the woman and her husband. Anticipation for a more detailed explanation rose within her. The additional five minutes of waiting felt like an eternity.

She turned to her husband, “This cannot be good.”

Finally, the doctor entered the room. Through his British accent, he matter-of-factly explained how the woman was either dealing with an ectopic pregnancy or a normal miscarriage. He wanted to get some blood tests in order to track her hormone levels to determine which one of the two was the culprit. He requested that she return in a week for a follow-up ultrasound.

The woman left the clinic devastated. Anger, disappointment, sadness, anxiety, and fear wrestled with each other to get their fair share of attention. Unable to bridle them all, she sat in the passenger side front seat and wept as her husband drove her back to work.

“Why is this happening? It wasn’t supposed to be this way!” she cried, pleading to God through her tears for some divine explanation.

There was nothing more she could do for the next week but wait and wonder. Either there was an embryo attached somewhere it shouldn’t be, which could threaten the woman’s very life, or the little life that had been there never made it very far and was gearing up for miscarriage.

Part 1: Possibilities

Two…pink…lines.

Her disbelieving eyes squinted as she held back the wand to gain better focus and then she brought it back in again for a closer look. She had taken the test other times before. There was only ever one line. The current result was unmistakable. Glaring back at her through the small pane were definitely two pink lines. She was pregnant!

Three long years she had waited to start trying for kids. Though she had hoped to have at least one child by now, she knew her husband was a little more conservative on the issue. He wanted to be sure he was ready before diving into this life-long commitment called parenthood. Understandable, of course, but in her mind, she at 26 and he at 30 meant both of their biological clocks were ticking, especially if they were to have at least 4 kids! She had learned the hard way, however, not to press the issue. Arguments and tears did nothing but delay what she had longed for since the day she married him: to have his children!

One day, a month after their 3-year anniversary, he casually mentioned how he would like to start trying. At such a moment, true desire trumps past bitterness and hurt. Bygones can be bygones. Equipped with that mindset, she seized the opportunity before he got any second thoughts. Three months later, here they were: pregnant! Her mind filled with dreams of the future, I wonder what it is? I wonder when I can hear the heart beat? What should we name the baby? It was all so new, so fresh, so scary, yet so exciting! Three years were worth the wait.

Immediately she began doing all the good stuff she should have been doing in the first place: eating super healthy, getting exercise, taking vitamins, etc. Never to late to start, she thought. She signed up on a website where she could track her weekly progress. Making the first appointment was a little nerve wracking. Inside she questioned her readiness to be a parent. This would be the first concrete step towards a new future. The appointment itself emphasized the weight of the responsibility as well as the reality and inevitability of what was to come. Little did she know how weighty that reality truly was.